The Weekend Update

This weekend has been a good (and very busy) one! Friday night, my friend Chuck and I went to dinner and a movie. We saw Wall Street-Money Never Sleeps. I liked the movie a lot. I haven't seen the first Wall Street yet, so I'll make sure to check that out asap. After the movie, he and I went out to our friend Adam Rogers' for a small bon-fire. It was really nice to be able to just sit and relax with friends. Saturday, Shaun and I went to the Nelson-Atkins and enjoyed art and photography. I'm so glad that he likes cultural things, as I could never convince my ex to go with me. While we were there, Shaun told me that he had an idea for lunch; Thai place! It was delicious (as always). I then went home to spend some time with Maggie, and pack an overnight bag. Shaun and I then went to a housewarming party, and I met some good friends of his. It was a really great time; I also had the best mini cupcakes on the face of the planet. I plan to get them for Shaun and Chuck's dual birthday party next month. Sunday, I slept in and then met up with Chuck to help put my bed back together. Once that was done, I took a trip out to Lawrence to visit my very dear friend, Mayabi. We had mexican and then some ice cream and walked around downtown. He then showed me the pharmacy building at KU (I still like MU better), and I went home.

I really enjoyed meeting Shaun's friends. Most of us had gone to high school together, but I never knew. What is even more funny is that I actually graduated with one, and never even knew him. We discussed the 10 year reunion, and how disappointing it turned out (he didn't even go). I have to say that I really just enjoy Shaun. He makes me happy every single day. I know that our relationship is still new, but I really can't see him changing his personality as the relationship goes on. Who he is now is who he will always be. I'm so excited for Friday. My best friend comes in town for the half marathon, and she finally gets to meet Shaun. Now if only Journey and Randa could hurry up and get here, he would have met all of my best girlfriends, with the exception of Julie.

Last Night

Last night was not good for me. I am posting this so that I can just move on with my life. I received a text message yesterday afternoon from C asking if I was available to help switch out our beds. I agreed, and prefaced the agreement with the fact that I had plans in the evening around 7 pm. I did say that I could be a little late because I knew that we needed to get this switch done asap. First thing to irritate me was that he seemed to be taking his sweet time getting to my apartment with the truck. He got there at 6 pm. We loaded up his bed, and switched them out at the storage unit. I had asked my friend, Chuck, to meet us back at the apartment to help get my bed up the three flights of stairs, since it is astronomically heavy. On the way back to my apartment, I thought it would be polite to ask about the girl that C is seeing. I asked what she did for a living, etc. I then asked what his plans were for the weekend, since she was coming into town (this is where I become livid). He had the audacity to tell me that he was going to go running with her, because she's training for this track event (she apparently does hurdles). I could not believe it. I looked at him, cocked my head to the side and said "You're going running with her? You NEVER ran with me. Ever." C looked at me like it was not a big deal, and I shouldn't be upset with it. He told me that she's been working really hard, and that it was important to her.

In the three years that he and I were together, he went to ONE race of mine. One. I asked him to run with me quite often, and he was never interested. I still can't determine if he was telling me this about her because he wants me to be jealous and he wanted to hurt me, or if he just truly never cared that much about me and what I felt was important. When I had mentioned to him last night that my half marathon was coming up in two weeks, he couldn't have cared less. I'm thinking that really, he never cared that much about me.

I know that what I have right now is so much better than what I ever had with C. I'm grateful and truly happy everyday that I get to spend with Shaun. He knows how to make me laugh, and we have the best time together. Leaving at the end of the night is so difficult. I know that things are new, and they'll settle down with him but I feel so positive about our relationship and the direction it is headed. Witht his said, I don't understand how I could not have gotten that out of C. Why-in three years of me supporting his decisions (which lets face it, were not the easiest choices to have to support), could he not have ever showed me that he really cared about me. Why couldn't he have taken a true interest in things that I was passionate about? Why would he give it so freely to someone he just met? It infuriates me to know that I wasted so much of my time loving and caring for someone who didn't return it.

I had a dream last night that I was supposed to run a full marathon, and when it came down to the day of the race, I was held up and was late. I made Andrea run it alone, because I had "forgotten" what time it started. I had to sit there and run it by myself...in regular clothes, and then picked up extra baggage that was left by another man who didn't feel like carrying it anymore. I didn't finish the marathon in my dream, and I did turn in the "baggage" to a lost and found. It was an interesting dream. I also met up with Andrea at the end of the race, and she had been able to finish her portion. I felt badly that I made her go through it without me.

I'm chalking that dream up to the fact that I've carried around C's baggage for too long, and I must feel like I've been held back. I gave him up in my dream, which is what I am also doing in my waking life. I'm glad that my brain is so smart. I am now going to let this go, and move on with my day-and my life. I hope that C is happy, but I know that I am happier!

Some Self Analysis

Last night, I spent some time at my apartment complex hot tub doing some reading and relaxing for my sore muscles. I am (sad to admit) still reading the book Eat Pray Love, and had only gotten a few pages in when a couple of guys came in to the pool area. The best way I can describe these guys were adult children. I believe that they were 19 at the oldest, and one of them was trying to get my attention. He asked me if I "wanted to see something cool", and then told me that I had to take a picture of him doing this trick. I of course did not take a picture, but I watched him launch himself (and his bike) into our pool, and when he came up, he asked if I had seen him. I felt like a mom watching her child, and found myself just looking at him saying "Yes, I saw you. Very good."

He came into the hot tub and proceeded to give me the details of his life, and I can only describe it as awful. I found myself listening to him and trying to see in my own mind what help I could give him. "Surely I have resources that I could give to this guy," I thought to myself. I just sat there and listened to him go on about his family and how he has only one friend; the other guy who had initially come to the pool with him. I sat in the hot tub listening for probably fourty minutes, and couldn't take it anymore. There was no way that I could help him; first of all, he wouldn't have accepted it if I offered it. Second, and this was a little painful for me...it wasn't my problem.

I had a very difficult time getting to sleep last night. I had so many thoughts going around in my head. Some were good-they were of my new relationship; the rest however were of my family, and all of the problems they are having personally. I laid there, staring at the ceiling wondering what I was going to do with all of this until I finally told myself that none of this was actually my problem. Everything that is going on is awful-my brother, my cousin and her children. I will never understand why someone would want to harm a child, and even worse than that...why would they want to make it seem like it's no big deal? The kids didn't do anything to deserve this kind of treatment from their own father. I also will never understand the logic behind wanting to end your own life, and expecting others to be okay with it. After thinking about all of this, I finally decided that I REALLY need to stop taking on everyone else's problems as my own. I'm certainly not going to ignore it, but I can't magically make things better for anyone. This has always been something I've struggled with, and its just time to stop. I need to let people work out their own issues. No one offers to fix my problems for me; I do that on my own. I have support from friends and family, but in the end its up to me to correct my mistakes. Sooooo...I'm posting this and then moving on with life. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

What the French Toast?

Saturday night I had a very weird dream. It involved my family members, but mostly my cousin, Catrina. She and I were trying to help family members while all of these tornadoes were coming from all around. We couldn't escape them and had to take cover in a ditch. One very large tornado actually touched down on us, then moved on. I have been wondering if everything was going alright with her, since the last time I dreamt about Catrina, she was going through some personal family issues. I called and low and behold, there is more going on with her two boys and their father. Even worse than the last time, because now he is abusing both boys. Catrina is at the end of her rope, and isn't sure where to turn since Department of Family Services is not helping her, and the court won't issue a restraining order against her ex husband. The only thing that I can think to do is have her send me EVERYTHING she has, pictures included and I will call CAPA (Child Abuse Protection Agency) tomorrow to see what her next steps would be.

On another note, I am still waiting from the Peace Corps for paperwork. I'm starting to wonder why I haven't received anything yet. Maybe I'm not meant to do the Peace Corps? It's pretty frustrating. I would at least like to get the paperwork and see if I can get an interview! This is ridiculous. I think the only good things I have going on right now is my wonderful boyfriend, S...and the fact that I feel like God is answering my prayers. Case in point-today. Maggie and I were at Retriever Lake playing, and I dropped my keys. I had been searching the field for about a half hour before I asked "God, please help me find my keys!" Not even 10 minutes later, I found them in a completely random patch of grass that I swore I had already searched. I love that he's always at work!

Dream, dream dream

I had a dream last night that I was meeting relatives in Germany. What an amazing experience. I was able to smell the air, enjoy the scenery of the countryside where they live in Schwabisch-Gmund and meet cousins and aunts that I wouldn't have a chance to in my waking life (not at this moment at least). I had a discussion with a cousin, Hildegarde, about why I wasn't able to have children. At the time I was speaking with her, I went over to a part of the yard where children were playing and picked up my nephew. I sat him on my lap, and told him "Ich liebe dich". I said, "Do you know what this means sweetheart?" He said no, and I told him "It means, I love you. Lots." I then gave him a kiss. My cousin looked at me, smiling, and I could tell she knew that I had meant it. I then woke up.

There was more to the dream than this portion, but this was the part that I needed the most help understanding. I came into work and looked up what it meant to be "infertile". The dreamers dictionary said this:

To dream that you are infertile, represents a lack of creativity. Something in your waking life isn't working out the way you want it to. The dream may also reflect your own state of infertility and the struggles to have a baby.

I'm not trying to have a baby, so it makes perfect sense that it would be the fact that there is something in my life that's not working out the way I want it to. The symbolism of me immediately picking up my nephew and loving him represents my struggles to understand my brother and his situation. I am still extremely upset by his actions and threats to exclude me from seeing him or my nephew. I won't force the issue, but I don't agree with him. He is having so many personal struggles, and he is refusing to help himself. I wish he would, for the sake of himself and his children. I love all of them so much, and I want the best for my brother as well as my neice and nephew.

The Hardest Thing

Well, not the hardest but it comes in second on the list of most difficult things I have had to do in my life. I will say that this is not a happy post, but a necessary one for my own well being.

The hardest thing I have EVER had to do was actually a series of things:

1) know that I was the last person to see my older brother alive, and didn't do anything to keep him in the house that night. I don't think I'll ever actually get over that.

2) answer the phone from the sheriff's department and have to hear that they found my brother's belongings by the lake, followed by me having to call my mother and tell her that he is now considered a missing person.

3) answer the door for the police, seeing their black stripe over their badge and know that I will never hug my oldest brother again.

4) be completely helpless while my parents make funeral arrangements, and then going through the process of burying my brother-my friend.

I suddenly became the oldest and the role model for my younger siblings. I will say that I am nowhere near a perfect sister. I haven't been there for them nearly enough in their lives-I realize that. I care about all three of them, and when they hurt, I hurt. I hate knowing that any of them are in pain and suffering. So here comes the second hardest thing I've ever had to do...

My younger brother posted a blog last week that I had just found yesterday morning. In the post, he talked about wanting to hurt himself...actually take himself out of the world. I think I had a completely normal reaction, which is utter fear for him. I knew that he was really struggling to make ends meet, having an extremely difficult time dealing with life situations that he's going through. I didn't know that he had gotten to that point in life where he was actually entertaining the idea of hurting himself.

I called my mother, talked to her about the situation and she and I had agreed that we would go and talk to him together. I called my Employee Assistance Program and asked about what I could do to support him. The advice they provided seemed pretty good. I would need to go and urge him to please seek medical care, and if he refused, then I would need to call the police and have a well person check done on him. So, that's what I did. I went over to his house first and tried to talk to him. I wanted (still want) to understand what's going on, and when it got to this point. He told me that if I cared for him, I would leave him alone; accept that this is what he wants in life.

I love my brother with all of my heart. He has two wonderful children, and the last thing that I could ever accept would be him taking himself out of the world. It doesn't matter whether his kids are young or adults-suicide is suicide and it hurts just as much for the people who love you no matter how old they are. I never told him that I would accept it. I hugged him, told him I loved him and thought about the conversation we had on my way home. I then called the police, and asked to have someone go and speak to him. While I knew that he wouldn't be a danger to my nephew, I know that he's a danger to himself. I did exactly what I felt was right, and if I had to do it every single day until he gets help, I would. Is he mad at me? I'm positive. Will he talk to me any time soon? Absolutely not. That's not so much of a deterrent for me because I know in my heart that I was doing the right thing.

Waiting...

I'm still waiting for my insurance company to contact me about having a claims adjuster coming out to assess the damage on my car. I hope that they get in touch with me tomorrow. I also sent an e-mail to the regional office for the Peace Corps so that they can re-send the paperwork for my fingerprints and background check.

C came over today to pick up some of his belongings from my apartment. I did't realize just how much stuff I have of his just sitting around. It's nice to get it out of my home so that I can make it mine again. It was nice to see him, but in another way it was really stressful for me. I felt like puking almost the whole time. I'm not sure why. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Not anymore. I guess I'm just not really ready enough to see him one on one. We talked about our dating lives which was also very awkward for me. In the past three years, I had never imagined that I would be talking to him about other guys that I would date. Oh well. I like the way my life is going. I am glad that he is also seeing someone. It makes the process of moving on easier, not thinking that I am moving on too quickly. I am anxious to get all of our stuff situated so that the apartment is mine; not what was once "ours."

Hopefully the car situation gets corrected soon. I guess if it doesn't I'll just go and get it fixed on Friday when I get paid. The vehicle needs an overhaul-shampoo and everything from all the rain that got in over the weekend. If I can just get the windshield situation covered, I'll be a happy (or happier) lady.