"The List"

I've been thinking about the qualities or "must have" attributes of any future guy that I might date. I asked some of my friends what they thought first, and what I found was that they were all pretty much on the same page as me. So, here is my list of "must have" qualities:

Caring
Family-oriented
Quick witted
Easy going
Open minded
Stable
Fun (but not a partier)
Good looking (no Steve Buscemi's)
Physically fit and interested in staying that way
Willing and able to give equally in the relationship so that I'm not carrying 100% on my own.
Must love dogs, more specifically, MY dog.
Non smoker
No drugs
No felonies
Respectful and understanding
Responsible
No baggage!
Honest
Has never cheated on a partner.


That's it for now. I'm sure that this list will probably grow. I obviously don't want to make an unattainable man, but I think that these items are personal make it or break it attributes. I'm also going to discuss with my therapist the situation that I am in, and what her thoughts are on how I can continue to handle this in a constructive manner. I know that I initially said "no guys for a year," but I think that may be a stretch. It will all have to depend on how I'm feeling. I think that several months of working on myself would be sufficient, since I'm no good for anyone right now. I'm ok for myself and Maggie, but that's about it right now.

I have a five mile run tonight-wish me luck!

Ink

I think I may be the dorkiest person to have a tattoo. Not that it in itself is dumb, but I think I'm just a super nerd. Everytime someone asks "How's your ink?" it takes me a little bit to understand what they're talking about! Then it comes to me "OH...my shoulder!" It doesn't even seem cool to me to say "ink" when talking about my tattoo...it's a TATTOO. I know the ingredients that were put into my body, but I guess I like the technical term way better than the slang. See? Dork. Me. Yep.

That's all for today, I have nothing to report! I have a busy day at work and I'm babysitting tonight. This weekend will be busy, but I'll report on that after things actually happen! Much love to everyone :) Have a great day!

Ahhh...

I have had the evening as well as this morning to try and get a handle on some things, and to think a little deeper about my unhappiness in the past several days. My best friend had it right when she was telling me that I needed to take some space from C, and really work on being healthy for myself and moving on. There's no way that I can try to get past my current feelings if I'm spending time with him acting as if nothing has changed. As painful as it is to admit, she's correct. I knew that she was right the moment she typed it to me. I had initally told myself and C that I needed to take some space, but that only lasted a few days. I called him on lunch today and told him what I was feeling: how this was just too hard right now and I can't handle one on one meetings. I told him that I'm not mad or upset with him for anything, but I need space from him on a one on one basis. Group settings is fine but that's how it will have to be until I feel better about this whole situation. I'm thankful that he was understanding and told me that if that's what I need to do, then he understands.

I feel like a bit of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders already. My focus now just needs to be to continue to work on making myself happy and emotionally healthy: moving on with my life in a positive way. This includes the LEARN process that I posted yesterday. Andrea, I agree with you...the A process is going to be very difficult, but beneficial.

The LEARN process

It may seem sad that I had to google "how to handle a breakup", but that's what I did today. I happened upon the LEARN process which is as follows:

List
Experience
Appreciation
Reorganizing
No sex with your ex!

The list is where I will have to list all the things I did not like about my ex. None of this of course will be posted on here, but I will have my list. Experience is the understanding that this breakup, while extremely painful, is not the end of the world and I will find someone who will love me again...maybe even more so than last time. Appreciation is where I will make a list of 50 things that I love about myself. Reorganizing-making friends or spending time with friends who have nothing to do with him, this way I can have a break. Lastly, No sex with the ex! This is difficult, because it's unfortuately happened a few times even after I've said I won't allow it. I did make a stand the last attempt,and we did not do anything, and I just need to stick with that. Every time it has happened, after he left I felt emptier and more alone than I did before. I know, I KNOW it's not healthy do to. It makes things so much harder on me than it needs to be.

Maybe I'm just having a really tough day, or I'm really starting to get into "mourning" phase. I'll just stick with this process...starting with N and working towards L!

Feeling less than stellar

I think I need a mulligan on the day. The situations of the day will not have changed, however my approach may be positively altered! I had some very strange dreams involving family members (in their childhood state, as I remember them), my ex-boyfriend E, my friends Andrea and Andy (who did my beautiful tattoo). In the dream, Andrea and I ran some kind of 5k and we did very well-we finished in 15 minutes! Horray for us, right?!? I then proceeded to go to a pancake breakfast where I met up with my brothers and two cousins. They were all children however. I went to get my pancakes and my ex was volunteering there. I went to sit down next to my friend, Andy, and E got very jealous when he saw that I was not sitting next to him at the table. I went to move my seat between the two gentlemen, and E proceeded to tell me how completely inappropriate it was that I was going to sit next to Andy. I had to move his seat completely. Luckily, Andy understood. That's all I remember except for the fact that I had also spoken to someone about the prospect of me volunteering with them at a future date. See? I'm even good in my dreams!

I did not want to wake up today, but I pulled myself together and got ready for work. When I got here I had to do something very difficult with regards to one of my employees. It's never easy to do what I had to do, and it makes it worse that she had sent an e-mail to my manager on Monday talking about how I had never given up on her. I fear that her opinion is forever changed by the recent happening, and that makes me sad. I did everything that I could for her, and in the end it simply wasn't enough. If anyone knows of a magic pill I could take to restart the day and make it a better one I would love it!

Waiting game...

The application has been completed and sent in to Peace Corps. Now it's a waiting game to see if I get an interview.

Please send up good, positive thoughts for me.

Doing the wave...

I completed my application this weekend: resume, recommendations were sent to the best three choices I could think of to help me out(my manager, the coordinator with Red Cross, and my ex-boyfriend E's step mom), and I wrote my essay answers out. The only thing that is keeping me from getting my application to show "complete" is post-secondary education. I have none. I sent an e-mail the recruiting office in Chicago asking if they can give me some feedback for a way to submit, and I'll see what they have to say.

With all of this said, I am now feeling a wave of nervousness about the whole situation. It's not a negative feeling, more so of a feeling of the unknown. "Will I get an interview or will I be rejected?" "If I AM rejected, what will I need to do to qualify next time around?" The more I think about the Peace Corps, the more I feel like I need to experience it. I haven't had a drive like this about anything before really, minus the desire to have a family. If I don't qualify this time around, I guess the best that I can do is take their feedback about what steps I need to take to qualify next time around, and then make sure that I do everything they ask-even if it means more or different volunteer work and foreign language along with my schooling.

I know that I need to just wait and see, I'm just having a hard time relaxing! Patience isn't always my virtue.