50 things

Initially, I was going to make this a post on my private journal, so only I could see it. I started thinking, "why shouldn't my friends be able to see the things that I like about myself?" I've been working really hard this year at becoming a more emotionally healthy person; I've been going through therapy, finally took the initiative to get help about my anxiety problems, ended a relationship that simply lasted too long...I know that I have a lot of people routing for me to succeed in just about everything that I do, so I feel like I kind of owe it to everyone to brag a little about myself :) So here it is...50 things I like about myself:

1) my eyes-this is a no-brainer. I have always loved the way my eye color changes from a hazel to beautiful green, depending on my mood. I also love the brown speck in my right eye!
2) my sense of humor
3) I love my devotion to the people I love
4) I love my drive to help people (kind of stole this from Andrea, but it's true.)
5) my impeccable taste in heels
6) I love the fact that I haven't gained a ton of weight since high school, and can still eat pretty much anything I want!
7) I love my finger-toes. Yep, it's true!
8) I love how much I genuinely care for others-even if it means that I get walked all over, or they don't appreciate it. Someday, they will get it.
9) I love the fact that I can do anything I set my mind to (half marathon)
10) my love for nerdy, educational television
11) I love the fact that I know how to cook, and I enjoy cooking for others :)
12) I love my weird taste in food (peanut butter and pickles)....It helps keep me interesting
13) my endless need to understand the meaning behind my dreams.
14) I love that I have made it my mission to have a closer relationship with God-without sticking with a religion I don't agree with.
15) along with the last one, I like that I write out my prayers in a little journal I keep in my purse. I like to pause at work or whenever I feel I have something to say. Usually it's to give thanks for people or things in my life. Sometimes it's a prayer to help me continue to be the woman I want to be.
16) I love that I am open-minded and accepting of everyone. I truly believe that everyone is equal, no matter what their race, sexual orientation or religion and we should all have the same rights and liberties. This includes marriage!
17) I love the little freckle on my left ring finger
18) my smile
19) the length of my eyelashes
20) I love that with all the things that have happened in my life (dealing with death, struggles with having a consistently good relationship with my mom, etc), I have managed to make it out in relatively good shape.
21) I love that I was able to quickly realize after a difficult breakup that he was never right for me, and was able to move on to someone so much better suited for me.
22) I love that I keep my heart open for others
23) I love that I'm a giver
24) my love for animals-especially Maynard and Maggie
25) my love for art/culture
26) my brilliant personality :)
27) I love that I kept so many notes from friends in high school-it's fun to go back through them and have a good laugh.
28) my love for writing-even if I am not really that talented a writer, it's fun to do. I once had a teacher in high school who encouraged me to continue to write.
29) my multi-tasking abilities. It helps me stay productive at work!
30) work related...I love that I was rated the top supervisor in the center. I like what I do, and I am always trying to do better.
31) I love my tattoo...while this is an object, it's permanently on my body, and I picked it. I feel like it's a great expression of who I am.
32) I love the fact that I don't cry during all the sappy, chick flick movies.
33) my nerdy love of astrology...I'm not afraid to admit it either!
34) my creativity
35) I love the fact that I can still be a girly-girl and not be afraid to put a worm on a hook!
36) my love of science and space
37) I'm intelligent.
38) I'm weird
39) I'm fun to be around
40) I'm an excellent snuggler
41) I'm honest
42) I'm faithful-I guess this kind of piggybacks off of the devotion. I'm very devoted and caring, and I will never EVER cheat on a partner.
43) I love my desire to travel and see things
44) my love for the outdoors
45) I'm not going to lie...I'm a big fan of my "death stare". People know that I'm not one to be messed with when they get that look...
46) I'll fight for what is right
47) I'm an excellent back rubber
48) I am an expert at looking busy, when I'm clearly just messing around
49) I never give up on people
50) I love that I also never give up on myself.

And there....while some of them are pretty simple, 50 things are 50 things, and I'm proud to say that I am finally a fan of ME. As Andrea would say, "It's about time!"

Vacation

Shaun and I finally made a decision on where we want to go for our first out of country trip. We have been discussing for a few weeks the possibility of doing a European vacation, but there are so many places to see! Yesterday, he and I had e-mailed back and forth on possibly going to Greece, and he showed me this marathon that they do in Athens every year. They also have a 10k race, which he said he wouldn't mind training for. I did sign up to get details for next year's race, however the place that he and I ended up choosing this time around was Italy. It was really a no-brainer. We both really want to visit and see the history of the country, eat delicious food and just enjoy being together. We still need to figure out when we will go next year, but still. Italy! Molto!!

I do want to do the run in Athens at some point. Not sure if I would make that my first marathon or not...we'll just have to see. Maybe 2012?

Half Marathon

I'm proud to say that I finished my first half marathon! Andrea came up from Houston on Friday to run with me. I must say first-she's a great motivator. That crazy lady was upbeat and happy the whole thirteen miles. I, on the otherhand, was hating life about four miles in. I had a very low level of personal motivation or energy for most of the race. We probably should have had breakfast before running such a long distance. Nonetheless, I finished the race with my best friend on my arm and it felt amazing. I also had some great support there. Shaun and my friend Chuck came to watch us run as well as Andrea's mom and dad. My mom and sister did come out, but they were a little too early, and left before I was able to finish the race. I'm glad that they at least made the attempt. Shaun was very sweet. He had a dozen red roses for me as well as a card and a gift card for a full body massage! I can't sing his praises enough; not because he got me flowers and a present, but because he is such a wonderful man. It's so refreshing to be with someone who is as genuinely warm and caring and unselfish as Shaun is. He lets the world know he's with me, which is something I haven't ever had before. I've always been the one to give all of myself in a relationship, and now it's an equal effort. I appreciate everything he does. It's great.

On another note-still no word from Peace Corps in my mailbox. Is this a sign that I was really not supposed to join? It makes me wonder. I check the mail every day, and nothing. Zip, zero, zilch. I know that in my heart, it is something that I would love the opportunity to do. I know that I would have the chance to really provide help to people who need it. A lot of people are asking if I can just stay local and still help. Yes, and I do that already. I feel that the Peace Corps will give me something that local organizations just don't provide, which is the ability to get out of my comfort zone and make an impact on a community with very limited resources. I guess I just have to see what happens. I do pray to God that the things happening in my life are happening for the right reasons. I feel a lot closer to Him than I have in many years, so I trust that He knows what is best for me. I'm also happy to report that I am loving myself a lot more than I used to as well. This is huge for me. I still need to write my "list"...the 50 things that I love about myself. If you don't remember this, please go back to my August posts, and take a look at the LEARN process. I made a commitment to myself that I would do this, and I will. I just haven't..yet.

The Weekend Update

This weekend has been a good (and very busy) one! Friday night, my friend Chuck and I went to dinner and a movie. We saw Wall Street-Money Never Sleeps. I liked the movie a lot. I haven't seen the first Wall Street yet, so I'll make sure to check that out asap. After the movie, he and I went out to our friend Adam Rogers' for a small bon-fire. It was really nice to be able to just sit and relax with friends. Saturday, Shaun and I went to the Nelson-Atkins and enjoyed art and photography. I'm so glad that he likes cultural things, as I could never convince my ex to go with me. While we were there, Shaun told me that he had an idea for lunch; Thai place! It was delicious (as always). I then went home to spend some time with Maggie, and pack an overnight bag. Shaun and I then went to a housewarming party, and I met some good friends of his. It was a really great time; I also had the best mini cupcakes on the face of the planet. I plan to get them for Shaun and Chuck's dual birthday party next month. Sunday, I slept in and then met up with Chuck to help put my bed back together. Once that was done, I took a trip out to Lawrence to visit my very dear friend, Mayabi. We had mexican and then some ice cream and walked around downtown. He then showed me the pharmacy building at KU (I still like MU better), and I went home.

I really enjoyed meeting Shaun's friends. Most of us had gone to high school together, but I never knew. What is even more funny is that I actually graduated with one, and never even knew him. We discussed the 10 year reunion, and how disappointing it turned out (he didn't even go). I have to say that I really just enjoy Shaun. He makes me happy every single day. I know that our relationship is still new, but I really can't see him changing his personality as the relationship goes on. Who he is now is who he will always be. I'm so excited for Friday. My best friend comes in town for the half marathon, and she finally gets to meet Shaun. Now if only Journey and Randa could hurry up and get here, he would have met all of my best girlfriends, with the exception of Julie.

Last Night

Last night was not good for me. I am posting this so that I can just move on with my life. I received a text message yesterday afternoon from C asking if I was available to help switch out our beds. I agreed, and prefaced the agreement with the fact that I had plans in the evening around 7 pm. I did say that I could be a little late because I knew that we needed to get this switch done asap. First thing to irritate me was that he seemed to be taking his sweet time getting to my apartment with the truck. He got there at 6 pm. We loaded up his bed, and switched them out at the storage unit. I had asked my friend, Chuck, to meet us back at the apartment to help get my bed up the three flights of stairs, since it is astronomically heavy. On the way back to my apartment, I thought it would be polite to ask about the girl that C is seeing. I asked what she did for a living, etc. I then asked what his plans were for the weekend, since she was coming into town (this is where I become livid). He had the audacity to tell me that he was going to go running with her, because she's training for this track event (she apparently does hurdles). I could not believe it. I looked at him, cocked my head to the side and said "You're going running with her? You NEVER ran with me. Ever." C looked at me like it was not a big deal, and I shouldn't be upset with it. He told me that she's been working really hard, and that it was important to her.

In the three years that he and I were together, he went to ONE race of mine. One. I asked him to run with me quite often, and he was never interested. I still can't determine if he was telling me this about her because he wants me to be jealous and he wanted to hurt me, or if he just truly never cared that much about me and what I felt was important. When I had mentioned to him last night that my half marathon was coming up in two weeks, he couldn't have cared less. I'm thinking that really, he never cared that much about me.

I know that what I have right now is so much better than what I ever had with C. I'm grateful and truly happy everyday that I get to spend with Shaun. He knows how to make me laugh, and we have the best time together. Leaving at the end of the night is so difficult. I know that things are new, and they'll settle down with him but I feel so positive about our relationship and the direction it is headed. Witht his said, I don't understand how I could not have gotten that out of C. Why-in three years of me supporting his decisions (which lets face it, were not the easiest choices to have to support), could he not have ever showed me that he really cared about me. Why couldn't he have taken a true interest in things that I was passionate about? Why would he give it so freely to someone he just met? It infuriates me to know that I wasted so much of my time loving and caring for someone who didn't return it.

I had a dream last night that I was supposed to run a full marathon, and when it came down to the day of the race, I was held up and was late. I made Andrea run it alone, because I had "forgotten" what time it started. I had to sit there and run it by myself...in regular clothes, and then picked up extra baggage that was left by another man who didn't feel like carrying it anymore. I didn't finish the marathon in my dream, and I did turn in the "baggage" to a lost and found. It was an interesting dream. I also met up with Andrea at the end of the race, and she had been able to finish her portion. I felt badly that I made her go through it without me.

I'm chalking that dream up to the fact that I've carried around C's baggage for too long, and I must feel like I've been held back. I gave him up in my dream, which is what I am also doing in my waking life. I'm glad that my brain is so smart. I am now going to let this go, and move on with my day-and my life. I hope that C is happy, but I know that I am happier!

Some Self Analysis

Last night, I spent some time at my apartment complex hot tub doing some reading and relaxing for my sore muscles. I am (sad to admit) still reading the book Eat Pray Love, and had only gotten a few pages in when a couple of guys came in to the pool area. The best way I can describe these guys were adult children. I believe that they were 19 at the oldest, and one of them was trying to get my attention. He asked me if I "wanted to see something cool", and then told me that I had to take a picture of him doing this trick. I of course did not take a picture, but I watched him launch himself (and his bike) into our pool, and when he came up, he asked if I had seen him. I felt like a mom watching her child, and found myself just looking at him saying "Yes, I saw you. Very good."

He came into the hot tub and proceeded to give me the details of his life, and I can only describe it as awful. I found myself listening to him and trying to see in my own mind what help I could give him. "Surely I have resources that I could give to this guy," I thought to myself. I just sat there and listened to him go on about his family and how he has only one friend; the other guy who had initially come to the pool with him. I sat in the hot tub listening for probably fourty minutes, and couldn't take it anymore. There was no way that I could help him; first of all, he wouldn't have accepted it if I offered it. Second, and this was a little painful for me...it wasn't my problem.

I had a very difficult time getting to sleep last night. I had so many thoughts going around in my head. Some were good-they were of my new relationship; the rest however were of my family, and all of the problems they are having personally. I laid there, staring at the ceiling wondering what I was going to do with all of this until I finally told myself that none of this was actually my problem. Everything that is going on is awful-my brother, my cousin and her children. I will never understand why someone would want to harm a child, and even worse than that...why would they want to make it seem like it's no big deal? The kids didn't do anything to deserve this kind of treatment from their own father. I also will never understand the logic behind wanting to end your own life, and expecting others to be okay with it. After thinking about all of this, I finally decided that I REALLY need to stop taking on everyone else's problems as my own. I'm certainly not going to ignore it, but I can't magically make things better for anyone. This has always been something I've struggled with, and its just time to stop. I need to let people work out their own issues. No one offers to fix my problems for me; I do that on my own. I have support from friends and family, but in the end its up to me to correct my mistakes. Sooooo...I'm posting this and then moving on with life. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

What the French Toast?

Saturday night I had a very weird dream. It involved my family members, but mostly my cousin, Catrina. She and I were trying to help family members while all of these tornadoes were coming from all around. We couldn't escape them and had to take cover in a ditch. One very large tornado actually touched down on us, then moved on. I have been wondering if everything was going alright with her, since the last time I dreamt about Catrina, she was going through some personal family issues. I called and low and behold, there is more going on with her two boys and their father. Even worse than the last time, because now he is abusing both boys. Catrina is at the end of her rope, and isn't sure where to turn since Department of Family Services is not helping her, and the court won't issue a restraining order against her ex husband. The only thing that I can think to do is have her send me EVERYTHING she has, pictures included and I will call CAPA (Child Abuse Protection Agency) tomorrow to see what her next steps would be.

On another note, I am still waiting from the Peace Corps for paperwork. I'm starting to wonder why I haven't received anything yet. Maybe I'm not meant to do the Peace Corps? It's pretty frustrating. I would at least like to get the paperwork and see if I can get an interview! This is ridiculous. I think the only good things I have going on right now is my wonderful boyfriend, S...and the fact that I feel like God is answering my prayers. Case in point-today. Maggie and I were at Retriever Lake playing, and I dropped my keys. I had been searching the field for about a half hour before I asked "God, please help me find my keys!" Not even 10 minutes later, I found them in a completely random patch of grass that I swore I had already searched. I love that he's always at work!