Some Self Analysis

Last night, I spent some time at my apartment complex hot tub doing some reading and relaxing for my sore muscles. I am (sad to admit) still reading the book Eat Pray Love, and had only gotten a few pages in when a couple of guys came in to the pool area. The best way I can describe these guys were adult children. I believe that they were 19 at the oldest, and one of them was trying to get my attention. He asked me if I "wanted to see something cool", and then told me that I had to take a picture of him doing this trick. I of course did not take a picture, but I watched him launch himself (and his bike) into our pool, and when he came up, he asked if I had seen him. I felt like a mom watching her child, and found myself just looking at him saying "Yes, I saw you. Very good."

He came into the hot tub and proceeded to give me the details of his life, and I can only describe it as awful. I found myself listening to him and trying to see in my own mind what help I could give him. "Surely I have resources that I could give to this guy," I thought to myself. I just sat there and listened to him go on about his family and how he has only one friend; the other guy who had initially come to the pool with him. I sat in the hot tub listening for probably fourty minutes, and couldn't take it anymore. There was no way that I could help him; first of all, he wouldn't have accepted it if I offered it. Second, and this was a little painful for me...it wasn't my problem.

I had a very difficult time getting to sleep last night. I had so many thoughts going around in my head. Some were good-they were of my new relationship; the rest however were of my family, and all of the problems they are having personally. I laid there, staring at the ceiling wondering what I was going to do with all of this until I finally told myself that none of this was actually my problem. Everything that is going on is awful-my brother, my cousin and her children. I will never understand why someone would want to harm a child, and even worse than that...why would they want to make it seem like it's no big deal? The kids didn't do anything to deserve this kind of treatment from their own father. I also will never understand the logic behind wanting to end your own life, and expecting others to be okay with it. After thinking about all of this, I finally decided that I REALLY need to stop taking on everyone else's problems as my own. I'm certainly not going to ignore it, but I can't magically make things better for anyone. This has always been something I've struggled with, and its just time to stop. I need to let people work out their own issues. No one offers to fix my problems for me; I do that on my own. I have support from friends and family, but in the end its up to me to correct my mistakes. Sooooo...I'm posting this and then moving on with life. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.