Last Night

Last night was not good for me. I am posting this so that I can just move on with my life. I received a text message yesterday afternoon from C asking if I was available to help switch out our beds. I agreed, and prefaced the agreement with the fact that I had plans in the evening around 7 pm. I did say that I could be a little late because I knew that we needed to get this switch done asap. First thing to irritate me was that he seemed to be taking his sweet time getting to my apartment with the truck. He got there at 6 pm. We loaded up his bed, and switched them out at the storage unit. I had asked my friend, Chuck, to meet us back at the apartment to help get my bed up the three flights of stairs, since it is astronomically heavy. On the way back to my apartment, I thought it would be polite to ask about the girl that C is seeing. I asked what she did for a living, etc. I then asked what his plans were for the weekend, since she was coming into town (this is where I become livid). He had the audacity to tell me that he was going to go running with her, because she's training for this track event (she apparently does hurdles). I could not believe it. I looked at him, cocked my head to the side and said "You're going running with her? You NEVER ran with me. Ever." C looked at me like it was not a big deal, and I shouldn't be upset with it. He told me that she's been working really hard, and that it was important to her.

In the three years that he and I were together, he went to ONE race of mine. One. I asked him to run with me quite often, and he was never interested. I still can't determine if he was telling me this about her because he wants me to be jealous and he wanted to hurt me, or if he just truly never cared that much about me and what I felt was important. When I had mentioned to him last night that my half marathon was coming up in two weeks, he couldn't have cared less. I'm thinking that really, he never cared that much about me.

I know that what I have right now is so much better than what I ever had with C. I'm grateful and truly happy everyday that I get to spend with Shaun. He knows how to make me laugh, and we have the best time together. Leaving at the end of the night is so difficult. I know that things are new, and they'll settle down with him but I feel so positive about our relationship and the direction it is headed. Witht his said, I don't understand how I could not have gotten that out of C. Why-in three years of me supporting his decisions (which lets face it, were not the easiest choices to have to support), could he not have ever showed me that he really cared about me. Why couldn't he have taken a true interest in things that I was passionate about? Why would he give it so freely to someone he just met? It infuriates me to know that I wasted so much of my time loving and caring for someone who didn't return it.

I had a dream last night that I was supposed to run a full marathon, and when it came down to the day of the race, I was held up and was late. I made Andrea run it alone, because I had "forgotten" what time it started. I had to sit there and run it by myself...in regular clothes, and then picked up extra baggage that was left by another man who didn't feel like carrying it anymore. I didn't finish the marathon in my dream, and I did turn in the "baggage" to a lost and found. It was an interesting dream. I also met up with Andrea at the end of the race, and she had been able to finish her portion. I felt badly that I made her go through it without me.

I'm chalking that dream up to the fact that I've carried around C's baggage for too long, and I must feel like I've been held back. I gave him up in my dream, which is what I am also doing in my waking life. I'm glad that my brain is so smart. I am now going to let this go, and move on with my day-and my life. I hope that C is happy, but I know that I am happier!