"The List"

I've been thinking about the qualities or "must have" attributes of any future guy that I might date. I asked some of my friends what they thought first, and what I found was that they were all pretty much on the same page as me. So, here is my list of "must have" qualities:

Caring
Family-oriented
Quick witted
Easy going
Open minded
Stable
Fun (but not a partier)
Good looking (no Steve Buscemi's)
Physically fit and interested in staying that way
Willing and able to give equally in the relationship so that I'm not carrying 100% on my own.
Must love dogs, more specifically, MY dog.
Non smoker
No drugs
No felonies
Respectful and understanding
Responsible
No baggage!
Honest
Has never cheated on a partner.


That's it for now. I'm sure that this list will probably grow. I obviously don't want to make an unattainable man, but I think that these items are personal make it or break it attributes. I'm also going to discuss with my therapist the situation that I am in, and what her thoughts are on how I can continue to handle this in a constructive manner. I know that I initially said "no guys for a year," but I think that may be a stretch. It will all have to depend on how I'm feeling. I think that several months of working on myself would be sufficient, since I'm no good for anyone right now. I'm ok for myself and Maggie, but that's about it right now.

I have a five mile run tonight-wish me luck!

Ink

I think I may be the dorkiest person to have a tattoo. Not that it in itself is dumb, but I think I'm just a super nerd. Everytime someone asks "How's your ink?" it takes me a little bit to understand what they're talking about! Then it comes to me "OH...my shoulder!" It doesn't even seem cool to me to say "ink" when talking about my tattoo...it's a TATTOO. I know the ingredients that were put into my body, but I guess I like the technical term way better than the slang. See? Dork. Me. Yep.

That's all for today, I have nothing to report! I have a busy day at work and I'm babysitting tonight. This weekend will be busy, but I'll report on that after things actually happen! Much love to everyone :) Have a great day!

Ahhh...

I have had the evening as well as this morning to try and get a handle on some things, and to think a little deeper about my unhappiness in the past several days. My best friend had it right when she was telling me that I needed to take some space from C, and really work on being healthy for myself and moving on. There's no way that I can try to get past my current feelings if I'm spending time with him acting as if nothing has changed. As painful as it is to admit, she's correct. I knew that she was right the moment she typed it to me. I had initally told myself and C that I needed to take some space, but that only lasted a few days. I called him on lunch today and told him what I was feeling: how this was just too hard right now and I can't handle one on one meetings. I told him that I'm not mad or upset with him for anything, but I need space from him on a one on one basis. Group settings is fine but that's how it will have to be until I feel better about this whole situation. I'm thankful that he was understanding and told me that if that's what I need to do, then he understands.

I feel like a bit of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders already. My focus now just needs to be to continue to work on making myself happy and emotionally healthy: moving on with my life in a positive way. This includes the LEARN process that I posted yesterday. Andrea, I agree with you...the A process is going to be very difficult, but beneficial.

The LEARN process

It may seem sad that I had to google "how to handle a breakup", but that's what I did today. I happened upon the LEARN process which is as follows:

List
Experience
Appreciation
Reorganizing
No sex with your ex!

The list is where I will have to list all the things I did not like about my ex. None of this of course will be posted on here, but I will have my list. Experience is the understanding that this breakup, while extremely painful, is not the end of the world and I will find someone who will love me again...maybe even more so than last time. Appreciation is where I will make a list of 50 things that I love about myself. Reorganizing-making friends or spending time with friends who have nothing to do with him, this way I can have a break. Lastly, No sex with the ex! This is difficult, because it's unfortuately happened a few times even after I've said I won't allow it. I did make a stand the last attempt,and we did not do anything, and I just need to stick with that. Every time it has happened, after he left I felt emptier and more alone than I did before. I know, I KNOW it's not healthy do to. It makes things so much harder on me than it needs to be.

Maybe I'm just having a really tough day, or I'm really starting to get into "mourning" phase. I'll just stick with this process...starting with N and working towards L!

Feeling less than stellar

I think I need a mulligan on the day. The situations of the day will not have changed, however my approach may be positively altered! I had some very strange dreams involving family members (in their childhood state, as I remember them), my ex-boyfriend E, my friends Andrea and Andy (who did my beautiful tattoo). In the dream, Andrea and I ran some kind of 5k and we did very well-we finished in 15 minutes! Horray for us, right?!? I then proceeded to go to a pancake breakfast where I met up with my brothers and two cousins. They were all children however. I went to get my pancakes and my ex was volunteering there. I went to sit down next to my friend, Andy, and E got very jealous when he saw that I was not sitting next to him at the table. I went to move my seat between the two gentlemen, and E proceeded to tell me how completely inappropriate it was that I was going to sit next to Andy. I had to move his seat completely. Luckily, Andy understood. That's all I remember except for the fact that I had also spoken to someone about the prospect of me volunteering with them at a future date. See? I'm even good in my dreams!

I did not want to wake up today, but I pulled myself together and got ready for work. When I got here I had to do something very difficult with regards to one of my employees. It's never easy to do what I had to do, and it makes it worse that she had sent an e-mail to my manager on Monday talking about how I had never given up on her. I fear that her opinion is forever changed by the recent happening, and that makes me sad. I did everything that I could for her, and in the end it simply wasn't enough. If anyone knows of a magic pill I could take to restart the day and make it a better one I would love it!

Waiting game...

The application has been completed and sent in to Peace Corps. Now it's a waiting game to see if I get an interview.

Please send up good, positive thoughts for me.

Doing the wave...

I completed my application this weekend: resume, recommendations were sent to the best three choices I could think of to help me out(my manager, the coordinator with Red Cross, and my ex-boyfriend E's step mom), and I wrote my essay answers out. The only thing that is keeping me from getting my application to show "complete" is post-secondary education. I have none. I sent an e-mail the recruiting office in Chicago asking if they can give me some feedback for a way to submit, and I'll see what they have to say.

With all of this said, I am now feeling a wave of nervousness about the whole situation. It's not a negative feeling, more so of a feeling of the unknown. "Will I get an interview or will I be rejected?" "If I AM rejected, what will I need to do to qualify next time around?" The more I think about the Peace Corps, the more I feel like I need to experience it. I haven't had a drive like this about anything before really, minus the desire to have a family. If I don't qualify this time around, I guess the best that I can do is take their feedback about what steps I need to take to qualify next time around, and then make sure that I do everything they ask-even if it means more or different volunteer work and foreign language along with my schooling.

I know that I need to just wait and see, I'm just having a hard time relaxing! Patience isn't always my virtue.

3 weeks in

I have been single for three weeks today. I don't really think that's much of a thing to celebrate. This is mostly an update on where I am on my goals, and what I've accomplished.

I woke up Thursday morning and decided that I was going to get a tattoo. I had been thinking about it for quite awhile, and it just seemed like the time to do it. The point in getting the tattoo for me was to break out of my comfort zone and do something that I have been afraid to do for awhile. Another one of those "What would you do if you weren't scared" moments for me. I had C's mom print off two pictures of roses that I had liked; one for the rose itself, and the other for the color I wanted. I also chose to have the quote "be love" put underneath the rose. The rose itself is a symbol of love and passion. "be love" symbolizes me. I am a very loving and caring person. I found the phrase very fitting for me in general.

Since I got the tattoo on Thursday, I have already decided that I will get another equally large tattoo on my left shoulder blade. I like symmetry, and I have chosen to get a pink peony. A peony is a symbol of good fortune and good health. It's also my second favorite flower aside from the rose itself. Who knows...I may just get a whole damn garden, just so that I'll have something beautiful without having to have a "green thumb!"

Yesterday, I took my placement testing for Blue River. I am not good at math, but this is no shock to me. I already knew that! Class schedules don't come out until November, so I have to wait until then before I can move further with picking classes, but I know that I want a degree in communications. I'm only halfway through my Peace Corp application. I need to write my resume and gather my volunteer information and previous employer information before I can finish it up. I'm in no rush though. I have nothing but time!

That's about it for now. Still reading Jane Eyre-I brought it to work with me today, so that will be my lunchtime activity! Have a wonderful day :)

Make No Mistake

Before I get into my post today, I want to assure you that I am ok. I have been doing my best to stay positive about my current situation and not feel like a complete failure at the loss of my relationship. There is a large part of me that is full of confusion about why all of this has happened. Remembering the quote from my original post, I realize that something better may come along however I liked what I already had. I was happy overall, and looked forward to spending the rest of my life with C. I pictured children in our future, and the two of us growing old together. I watched myself bringing him delicious dinners at the firehouse when he becomes a firefighter, and endless evenings of being able to just lounge together. I had the vision of a house with a porch swing, and the two of us sitting together, reading books and enjoying ourselves. We had talked about these things, and I had thought that we wanted them with each other. Now I am back at ground zero, and that is a sucky place to be.

I know in my heart that he loves me. I can see it in his eyes, and I know he sees it in mine. I can feel his pain, just as he feels mine about the situation. I also know that he wasn't happy-he had too many doubts. I am doing my best to be positive, supportive to him as well as trying to take care of my own self. I'm trying to maintain a friendship with him, because I truly want him in my life. When we're spending time together, it feels like nothing's changed, and that confuses me. I am pretty proud of the fact that I'm not allowing things to go further than they should since we are not in a relationship anymore. I made sure to tell him that it's not right to have all of the benefits of a relationship, if we are not in one anymore. If we were going to do everything the same as we did when we were together, then we should just be together. Since that's not happening, nothing else will be happening either.

Make no mistake about it...as positive as my posts are, and as good of an outlook that I have, there is a very large part of me that is having a difficult time sorting through all of my feelings and emotions. Like I said before-I am ok, I'm just not great. Not yet that is.

Eureka Springs

I just returned last night from a fantastic weekend in Eureka Springs. I think a girls weekend getaway was exactly what I needed. It was so nice to spend one on one time with Andrea and to get to explore the downtown area of Eureka Springs. Maggie also enjoyed herself as she got to go swimming in Lake Leatherwood, she chased a possum and she got to have some breakfast in the downtown area. The dog was lucky enough to get chicken from the owner of the cafe! Talk about one lucky pup!

Andrea and I spent Friday-Sunday morning looking in just about every shop the town had to offer, gorged ourselves on delicious food. If you get the chance, you have to go to Local Flavor as well as Peace, Love and Cheesecake. Those were my favorites out of all the food we ate. She and I also went to Turpentine Creek, where they have the big cat reserve. It was very educational (and HOT). We got to see the keepers feed the Tigers, and we also watched two brothers playing and jumping in and out of their water tank. They were so animated! Andrea and I also decided on a whim to take old time photos which I think turned out fabulous! We make some good saloon girls :)

Last night after a nice 2.5 hour nap, I met back up with Andrea and we did our long run. It was supposed to be 7 miles, however it wound up right at 6.5. It was a 12 minute mile on average, which is about 2 miles per hour more than it used to take me, but I'm just happy to have completed the whole time. The best part of the run, aside from having Andi as my running partner was feeling good at the end of the run. I was completely capable of doing a little more if I needed to, and that's a far cry from where I used to be! Now I just need to get more used to doing hills...

Gratitude

This has a little to do with my situation, but more of my post today just has to do with a few people that I'm grateful for.

First, I would like to mention a woman I work with who I am so happy to be able to call my friend. She had the courage to get to know me when it seemed like everyone around her was telling her negative things. Most of the negativity had to do with their own insecurities I suppose, but this lady eventually saw through it, and I can honestly say that I cherish the friendship that we have. Thanks Julie for taking the time to get to know me, and letting me in to your life as well. I am blessed to have you. Thanks for letting me share that Chiefs blanket today in the meeting too :) Much appreciated!

Second is someone that I am proud to call one of my very best friends. I fell in love with her sense of humor and overall character during a trip to Westport with my brother, his girlfriend at the time, and another friend of his, Summer. I've known her for more than 12 years, and she did for me what none of my brother's friends had. She sat in the front row of the funeral home with me when my brother passed away, and did not leave my side. I will always love her for that. She's wonderful in many ways; warm, funny, fiercely loyal to her friends. She would do anything for the people she loves, and I feel the same for her. I promise, Randa, that I WILL make it to London to see you. I love you dearly. Thank you for always being on my side-even when I wasn't the best I could be.

Lastly, and this is certainly not least, I would like to give my gratitude to another of my best friends. I have two, and I can't claim one more than the other. I have two completely different relationships with them and I love them the same. This best friend understands me like no one else understands me. She and I have similar family situations, we both share a love of sick and perverted comedy (writing) and we're constantly copying each other's style-even from 3 states away! This person certainly didn't have to stay friends with me, and I would have understood. I love her because she did her very best to protect me, as has always been her fashion. She's my heterosexual life partner and best friend for 12 years. She is another person who took me in after my brother passed. She was originally the girl I knew from gym class. We would rally together to combat the popular girls who were not always very kind. When Thom passed, she and Randa made sure that I was getting out and doing things. I couldn't imagine my life without her in it and I feel like I should tell her more how much her friendship means to me. I love you Andrea. I'm so grateful that you are in my life, and have been so supportive of me. I know you care, and you make it known.

Each of the three ladies mentioned are supportive, caring and I can honestly say I would do anything for. Each of them make my day brighter just by being in my life. Thanks friends :)

peace...

I have to thank my friend Chuck for reminding me about the Peace Corps. He mentioned to me on Friday night that he was looking into joining it. I have thought about doing this before, but I always had something going on-some excuse. I was either in a relationship or just had other reasons. Now I'm thinking about it. I love to be able to volunteer and help people better their lives, and that's what the Peace Corps is about. The big thing about it is that it's a 27 month commitment, I would leave the country and I would also have to give up my love...Maggie.

It's a lot to think about, and I'm not quite sure if I even qualify but I'm going to look into it more. I am not saying that I will be joining tomorrow, however if I qualify, I would love to be able to say that in a year or so I might join.

I told my younger brother last night to "be brave". He is going through a very rough time in his life as well. He is dealing with the pain of going through a failed relationship just like I am. I was telling him to take the time off and to "be brave." After I posted my comment on his blog, I thought to myself, "What would you do if you weren't scared?" It's not the exact same thing that I told my brother, but it sparked a thought within myself. If I weren't scared, I would probably submit stories to try and publish. I love to write, just like I love to read. I would think more about what I can do to be the best possible "me" there is. Am I doing that now? No. I'm me, but not the me I want to be. I've really not done anything with my life yet. I need to go to school, and really that should be my first priority! Get my communications degree! Ack...I've been scared to put myself out there my whole life, and now I am out of excuses as to why I "can't".

Anyhow, thanks again Chuck, for making me remember that I have more options!

things to look forward to

I'm not going to lie-this weekend was a little rough on me emotionally. I'm trying to move forward and keep a positive outlook while also trying to forge a friendship with C. I knew that it would not be easy to do, so I've been giving myself some space to try and figure out my feelings. My main goal is to not make the same mistakes that I made with my first long term relationship. He and I had broken up, but instead of trying to move forward as individuals, I clung to him (for dear life sometimes) and we acted as if we were still together. The entire relationship was unhealthy enough, but having such complications after breaking up was devastating to me. It's taken a long time for me to start to be okay with how we turned out, and I just won't allow myself to repeat that kind of pain. Anyway, this weekend was difficult because C and I did hang out, and while it was nice it was also painful at the end when we went our separate ways, because it was the reminder that we are not together, and I would be waking up alone the next day. I just need to keep remembering an e-mail that a friend of mine sent me. It says this:

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better." It went on to give this quote "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

On a lighter note, I got my library card and started reading Jane Eyre at the pool on Saturday. I'm liking it so far, and I can't wait to dive into it further. I will also be receiving Eat Pray Love in the mail this week, so that's next on my reading agenda. My best friend and I are going on a girl's trip this weekend with my dog, Maggie. I did have to re-schedule my volunteer orientation to next week with a local animal shelter, and I'm excited to get started. I am ALSO looking into flights to Baltimore, MD to visit a girlfriend of mine, Journey. Keep sending me positive thoughts; I appreciate the support!

The beginning

So here I am...suddently single after a three year relationship with a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I am now faced with doing what I probably should have been doing for the past three years, which is finding out what makes me happy. I know who I am, but what do I want? What is going to make ME happy. I've spent so much of my life giving more to other people than I have given to myself. My best friend sent me an e-mail today about a random thought she had about me. Her thought was this:

"Why not give yourself the devotion, care, and love? What I mean is, why not spend the time, energy, and thought to the relationship of yourself? You deserve as much or more of the love you have given everyone in your life and I feel that you are depriving the one person who matters most--you."

I've been thinking about this for a few days now, and I think that this is the perfect opportunity for me to really do some self-discovery. No dating (not that I'm anywhere near ready for anything like that), no physical intimacy, just me...living my life for myself and no one else, and doing some soul searching to figure out what I truly want along the way!

I've already set up two different volunteer opportunities that I think will be fun and worthwhile. I'll tell you about them after I try them out. Until then, wish me luck!