Before I get into my post today, I want to assure you that I am ok. I have been doing my best to stay positive about my current situation and not feel like a complete failure at the loss of my relationship. There is a large part of me that is full of confusion about why all of this has happened. Remembering the quote from my original post, I realize that something better may come along however I liked what I already had. I was happy overall, and looked forward to spending the rest of my life with C. I pictured children in our future, and the two of us growing old together. I watched myself bringing him delicious dinners at the firehouse when he becomes a firefighter, and endless evenings of being able to just lounge together. I had the vision of a house with a porch swing, and the two of us sitting together, reading books and enjoying ourselves. We had talked about these things, and I had thought that we wanted them with each other. Now I am back at ground zero, and that is a sucky place to be.
I know in my heart that he loves me. I can see it in his eyes, and I know he sees it in mine. I can feel his pain, just as he feels mine about the situation. I also know that he wasn't happy-he had too many doubts. I am doing my best to be positive, supportive to him as well as trying to take care of my own self. I'm trying to maintain a friendship with him, because I truly want him in my life. When we're spending time together, it feels like nothing's changed, and that confuses me. I am pretty proud of the fact that I'm not allowing things to go further than they should since we are not in a relationship anymore. I made sure to tell him that it's not right to have all of the benefits of a relationship, if we are not in one anymore. If we were going to do everything the same as we did when we were together, then we should just be together. Since that's not happening, nothing else will be happening either.
Make no mistake about it...as positive as my posts are, and as good of an outlook that I have, there is a very large part of me that is having a difficult time sorting through all of my feelings and emotions. Like I said before-I am ok, I'm just not great. Not yet that is.
2 comments:
Time... it sucks because it takes so damned long, but with time it really does get better. If anyone expected you to be great at this point, they would be foolish or naieve to think so. Confusion is a theme I am familiar with, as you know I am going through a confusing personal struggle oh my own. Eventually though, the fog of confusion will start to thin out and you will have the answers you need.
Who is this Jynx dude? I couldn't agree more.
Time.
Stay committed to your "quest" (sounds so gay) for personal happiness.
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