I had a dream last night that I was meeting relatives in Germany. What an amazing experience. I was able to smell the air, enjoy the scenery of the countryside where they live in Schwabisch-Gmund and meet cousins and aunts that I wouldn't have a chance to in my waking life (not at this moment at least). I had a discussion with a cousin, Hildegarde, about why I wasn't able to have children. At the time I was speaking with her, I went over to a part of the yard where children were playing and picked up my nephew. I sat him on my lap, and told him "Ich liebe dich". I said, "Do you know what this means sweetheart?" He said no, and I told him "It means, I love you. Lots." I then gave him a kiss. My cousin looked at me, smiling, and I could tell she knew that I had meant it. I then woke up.
There was more to the dream than this portion, but this was the part that I needed the most help understanding. I came into work and looked up what it meant to be "infertile". The dreamers dictionary said this:
To dream that you are infertile, represents a lack of creativity. Something in your waking life isn't working out the way you want it to. The dream may also reflect your own state of infertility and the struggles to have a baby.
I'm not trying to have a baby, so it makes perfect sense that it would be the fact that there is something in my life that's not working out the way I want it to. The symbolism of me immediately picking up my nephew and loving him represents my struggles to understand my brother and his situation. I am still extremely upset by his actions and threats to exclude me from seeing him or my nephew. I won't force the issue, but I don't agree with him. He is having so many personal struggles, and he is refusing to help himself. I wish he would, for the sake of himself and his children. I love all of them so much, and I want the best for my brother as well as my neice and nephew.
30 September, 2010
28 September, 2010
The Hardest Thing
Well, not the hardest but it comes in second on the list of most difficult things I have had to do in my life. I will say that this is not a happy post, but a necessary one for my own well being.
The hardest thing I have EVER had to do was actually a series of things:
1) know that I was the last person to see my older brother alive, and didn't do anything to keep him in the house that night. I don't think I'll ever actually get over that.
2) answer the phone from the sheriff's department and have to hear that they found my brother's belongings by the lake, followed by me having to call my mother and tell her that he is now considered a missing person.
3) answer the door for the police, seeing their black stripe over their badge and know that I will never hug my oldest brother again.
4) be completely helpless while my parents make funeral arrangements, and then going through the process of burying my brother-my friend.
I suddenly became the oldest and the role model for my younger siblings. I will say that I am nowhere near a perfect sister. I haven't been there for them nearly enough in their lives-I realize that. I care about all three of them, and when they hurt, I hurt. I hate knowing that any of them are in pain and suffering. So here comes the second hardest thing I've ever had to do...
My younger brother posted a blog last week that I had just found yesterday morning. In the post, he talked about wanting to hurt himself...actually take himself out of the world. I think I had a completely normal reaction, which is utter fear for him. I knew that he was really struggling to make ends meet, having an extremely difficult time dealing with life situations that he's going through. I didn't know that he had gotten to that point in life where he was actually entertaining the idea of hurting himself.
I called my mother, talked to her about the situation and she and I had agreed that we would go and talk to him together. I called my Employee Assistance Program and asked about what I could do to support him. The advice they provided seemed pretty good. I would need to go and urge him to please seek medical care, and if he refused, then I would need to call the police and have a well person check done on him. So, that's what I did. I went over to his house first and tried to talk to him. I wanted (still want) to understand what's going on, and when it got to this point. He told me that if I cared for him, I would leave him alone; accept that this is what he wants in life.
I love my brother with all of my heart. He has two wonderful children, and the last thing that I could ever accept would be him taking himself out of the world. It doesn't matter whether his kids are young or adults-suicide is suicide and it hurts just as much for the people who love you no matter how old they are. I never told him that I would accept it. I hugged him, told him I loved him and thought about the conversation we had on my way home. I then called the police, and asked to have someone go and speak to him. While I knew that he wouldn't be a danger to my nephew, I know that he's a danger to himself. I did exactly what I felt was right, and if I had to do it every single day until he gets help, I would. Is he mad at me? I'm positive. Will he talk to me any time soon? Absolutely not. That's not so much of a deterrent for me because I know in my heart that I was doing the right thing.
The hardest thing I have EVER had to do was actually a series of things:
1) know that I was the last person to see my older brother alive, and didn't do anything to keep him in the house that night. I don't think I'll ever actually get over that.
2) answer the phone from the sheriff's department and have to hear that they found my brother's belongings by the lake, followed by me having to call my mother and tell her that he is now considered a missing person.
3) answer the door for the police, seeing their black stripe over their badge and know that I will never hug my oldest brother again.
4) be completely helpless while my parents make funeral arrangements, and then going through the process of burying my brother-my friend.
I suddenly became the oldest and the role model for my younger siblings. I will say that I am nowhere near a perfect sister. I haven't been there for them nearly enough in their lives-I realize that. I care about all three of them, and when they hurt, I hurt. I hate knowing that any of them are in pain and suffering. So here comes the second hardest thing I've ever had to do...
My younger brother posted a blog last week that I had just found yesterday morning. In the post, he talked about wanting to hurt himself...actually take himself out of the world. I think I had a completely normal reaction, which is utter fear for him. I knew that he was really struggling to make ends meet, having an extremely difficult time dealing with life situations that he's going through. I didn't know that he had gotten to that point in life where he was actually entertaining the idea of hurting himself.
I called my mother, talked to her about the situation and she and I had agreed that we would go and talk to him together. I called my Employee Assistance Program and asked about what I could do to support him. The advice they provided seemed pretty good. I would need to go and urge him to please seek medical care, and if he refused, then I would need to call the police and have a well person check done on him. So, that's what I did. I went over to his house first and tried to talk to him. I wanted (still want) to understand what's going on, and when it got to this point. He told me that if I cared for him, I would leave him alone; accept that this is what he wants in life.
I love my brother with all of my heart. He has two wonderful children, and the last thing that I could ever accept would be him taking himself out of the world. It doesn't matter whether his kids are young or adults-suicide is suicide and it hurts just as much for the people who love you no matter how old they are. I never told him that I would accept it. I hugged him, told him I loved him and thought about the conversation we had on my way home. I then called the police, and asked to have someone go and speak to him. While I knew that he wouldn't be a danger to my nephew, I know that he's a danger to himself. I did exactly what I felt was right, and if I had to do it every single day until he gets help, I would. Is he mad at me? I'm positive. Will he talk to me any time soon? Absolutely not. That's not so much of a deterrent for me because I know in my heart that I was doing the right thing.
21 September, 2010
Waiting...
I'm still waiting for my insurance company to contact me about having a claims adjuster coming out to assess the damage on my car. I hope that they get in touch with me tomorrow. I also sent an e-mail to the regional office for the Peace Corps so that they can re-send the paperwork for my fingerprints and background check.
C came over today to pick up some of his belongings from my apartment. I did't realize just how much stuff I have of his just sitting around. It's nice to get it out of my home so that I can make it mine again. It was nice to see him, but in another way it was really stressful for me. I felt like puking almost the whole time. I'm not sure why. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Not anymore. I guess I'm just not really ready enough to see him one on one. We talked about our dating lives which was also very awkward for me. In the past three years, I had never imagined that I would be talking to him about other guys that I would date. Oh well. I like the way my life is going. I am glad that he is also seeing someone. It makes the process of moving on easier, not thinking that I am moving on too quickly. I am anxious to get all of our stuff situated so that the apartment is mine; not what was once "ours."
Hopefully the car situation gets corrected soon. I guess if it doesn't I'll just go and get it fixed on Friday when I get paid. The vehicle needs an overhaul-shampoo and everything from all the rain that got in over the weekend. If I can just get the windshield situation covered, I'll be a happy (or happier) lady.
C came over today to pick up some of his belongings from my apartment. I did't realize just how much stuff I have of his just sitting around. It's nice to get it out of my home so that I can make it mine again. It was nice to see him, but in another way it was really stressful for me. I felt like puking almost the whole time. I'm not sure why. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Not anymore. I guess I'm just not really ready enough to see him one on one. We talked about our dating lives which was also very awkward for me. In the past three years, I had never imagined that I would be talking to him about other guys that I would date. Oh well. I like the way my life is going. I am glad that he is also seeing someone. It makes the process of moving on easier, not thinking that I am moving on too quickly. I am anxious to get all of our stuff situated so that the apartment is mine; not what was once "ours."
Hopefully the car situation gets corrected soon. I guess if it doesn't I'll just go and get it fixed on Friday when I get paid. The vehicle needs an overhaul-shampoo and everything from all the rain that got in over the weekend. If I can just get the windshield situation covered, I'll be a happy (or happier) lady.
18 September, 2010
new look
So I got a new haircut. I woke up this morning and decided to do something different. I love the front, but I think the back needs to be fixed. I don't like the fact that the back isn't as angled as I wanted originally. Otherwise, it's quite nice. I'm loving the bangs. It was definitely much needed. On a not so positive note, we had a horrible hail storm and the hail knocked out my rear windshield. Blah. I'm glad that I have insurance, and I'll get it fixed this week. I'm also pretty lucky that S is letting me borrow a vehicle so that I don't have to carpool to work this week or have to spend the extra money to rent a car for an entire week. He's very sweet. We have a date to go to the Ren Fest tomorrow (weather permitting of course.) If the weather doesn't hold up, then he and I have a date to go to the Nelson art gallery. Either way, it will be a fantastic day!
15 September, 2010
Getting Lighter...
I received a text message last night from C. It started off simple, "How have you been?" I told him that I was good, and asked how he was. It was the usual "school and gym". Then he asked me "What have you been up to?" I held my breath and typed "I've been on a few dates." I was waiting for the worst, but what I got instead was "Oh yeah? How did they go?" I'm not sure why I should be shocked that the response was so good and that when I told him who I had been on dates with, he was okay with it. I asked him if he had been out on dates and he said that he had been.
This makes me feel better about the whole situation. I don't feel guilty anymore about the fact that I am happy, and I am enjoying the time I am spending with this new person. I want the best for C, and I want him to be happy. He told me that I shouldn't have been worried because he wouldn't be upset. He said "You know that I want the best for you, and want you to be happy, right?" What a relief!
This makes me feel better about the whole situation. I don't feel guilty anymore about the fact that I am happy, and I am enjoying the time I am spending with this new person. I want the best for C, and I want him to be happy. He told me that I shouldn't have been worried because he wouldn't be upset. He said "You know that I want the best for you, and want you to be happy, right?" What a relief!
12 September, 2010
Weekend Update
I got some mail from the Peace Corps the other day. I was so excited to open it and see what they had to say. Alas, it was only my username and password to log in and check the status of my application. I am still waiting for fingerprint forms to come in the mail, and some other form that I can't remember. One thing that I like is that on the website they have some online learning classes I could do to help prepare, just in case I am accepted.
I also gave blood on Thursday for the Red Cross. Originally, I understood that any person with a new tattoo had to wait one year before they could give blood. I was educated by a phlebotomist that actually, in the state of Missouri as long as you go to a shop to have it done there isn't the one year stipulation! I am really happy about that. I love being able to donate.
No other news really to report. I have been pretty lazy, so I need to get on the ball so that I am prepared for this half marathon. I already decided that the week after I run it, I'm absolutely going to go and get a pedicure. I need someone to take care of these feet! Blisters on toes and calluses are not my idea of pretty.
I also gave blood on Thursday for the Red Cross. Originally, I understood that any person with a new tattoo had to wait one year before they could give blood. I was educated by a phlebotomist that actually, in the state of Missouri as long as you go to a shop to have it done there isn't the one year stipulation! I am really happy about that. I love being able to donate.
No other news really to report. I have been pretty lazy, so I need to get on the ball so that I am prepared for this half marathon. I already decided that the week after I run it, I'm absolutely going to go and get a pedicure. I need someone to take care of these feet! Blisters on toes and calluses are not my idea of pretty.
08 September, 2010
Disney Princesses, Hippos and Running
Today is Wednesday, but more importantly, it's my Friday! Don't be jealous though. I work this weekend through next Thursday. Friday the 17th, I took off work so that I could go to volunteer orientation for Reach Out And Read. I'm pretty excited about it. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love children as well as reading, so it's the best of both worlds for me! I hope to do this twice a month.
Tomorrow, I made a date with my aunt to go and watch some Disney pricess movies. I'm kind of hoping that we get to watch Lady and the Tramp too, since that's my all time favorite Disney movie :) I know that she's excited about it, and I'm happy to go and spend some long overdue time with her.
Yesterday, I came to work and found a hippopotamus standing on my desk. Made my day. I'm not sure why they are my favorite animal, but something about them just melts my heart. Maybe it's that they look so gentle yet they kill more people than crocodiles...
37 days and counting until the half marathon! Am I nervous? Oh yeah. Will I power through and finish like the champion we all know I am? Yes. One of the best parts is that my BFF will be here running it with me :)
Tomorrow, I made a date with my aunt to go and watch some Disney pricess movies. I'm kind of hoping that we get to watch Lady and the Tramp too, since that's my all time favorite Disney movie :) I know that she's excited about it, and I'm happy to go and spend some long overdue time with her.
Yesterday, I came to work and found a hippopotamus standing on my desk. Made my day. I'm not sure why they are my favorite animal, but something about them just melts my heart. Maybe it's that they look so gentle yet they kill more people than crocodiles...
37 days and counting until the half marathon! Am I nervous? Oh yeah. Will I power through and finish like the champion we all know I am? Yes. One of the best parts is that my BFF will be here running it with me :)
06 September, 2010
Weekend Update
Labor Day weekend was jam-packed this year! Here's the rundown on how I spent my three day vacation from work:
Saturday:
-8 mile trail run-woke up late, w33hich meant that I got up at 6:30 am!
-Went to the zoo and spent the entire day walking around viewing every animal BUT the Polar Bear, which is the newest animal on exhibit. I had some good company, who as it turns out, is as much of a fan of Discovery channel and Animal Planet as I am...which also means that we both walked around throwing out random facts about most all of the animals there. Also saw some animal porn at the chimp house, and then a chimp battle. It was pretty epic!
-Went to SantaCaliGon Days with a few friends, walked around and had some funnel cake. Saturday was complete, and I was worn out.
Sunday:
-Took Maggie on a nature walk, and found a creek along the way. I was a good pet mom and let her off her leash so she could go swimming for a little bit. I think I made her week :)
-Went and saw Toy Story 3. Great movie! I'm not sure why it had to be in 3D, but I'm glad that it was still in theaters. Well worth it :)
Monday:
-woke up well before dawn to get ready for the Jerry Lewis Telethon. It turned out to be very successful, and my on-air check presentation turned out pretty well. The only complaint I have is that I played with my hair a little too much.
-slept from 11-4 pm on the sofa. Maggie was not a fan.
-went to the grocery store, then came home and put my pajamas back on!
This weekend has turned out to be quite lovely :) I really enjoyed spending most of the weekend out of the house. I'm effectively ready to start my two day work week!
Saturday:
-8 mile trail run-woke up late, w33hich meant that I got up at 6:30 am!
-Went to the zoo and spent the entire day walking around viewing every animal BUT the Polar Bear, which is the newest animal on exhibit. I had some good company, who as it turns out, is as much of a fan of Discovery channel and Animal Planet as I am...which also means that we both walked around throwing out random facts about most all of the animals there. Also saw some animal porn at the chimp house, and then a chimp battle. It was pretty epic!
-Went to SantaCaliGon Days with a few friends, walked around and had some funnel cake. Saturday was complete, and I was worn out.
Sunday:
-Took Maggie on a nature walk, and found a creek along the way. I was a good pet mom and let her off her leash so she could go swimming for a little bit. I think I made her week :)
-Went and saw Toy Story 3. Great movie! I'm not sure why it had to be in 3D, but I'm glad that it was still in theaters. Well worth it :)
Monday:
-woke up well before dawn to get ready for the Jerry Lewis Telethon. It turned out to be very successful, and my on-air check presentation turned out pretty well. The only complaint I have is that I played with my hair a little too much.
-slept from 11-4 pm on the sofa. Maggie was not a fan.
-went to the grocery store, then came home and put my pajamas back on!
This weekend has turned out to be quite lovely :) I really enjoyed spending most of the weekend out of the house. I'm effectively ready to start my two day work week!
03 September, 2010
Giving thanks
I had a dream last night about C. In the dream, I wound up breaking up with him over a girl that came into our bed while both of us were laying there with Maggie. I ended things immediately, and when he told me that he might want to get back with me later on, I laughed and told him that I would not get back with him unless he was able to be more emotionally available, able to give me the 200% he felt he should have already been giving and he had to quit drinking so much. He told me he understood, and that was the end of it. I did some dishes during the dream too. Not much explanation needed for the dream but I did look up the dishes part. Dreaming of washing dishes is supposed to symbolize that the person is moving on and preparing for the next part of their life. This couldn't be more true for me.
So where do the thanks come in? I have to first say that I'm in no way a bible-thumping kind of lady. I absolutely believe in God and that He is good, but I'm not the type who would ever push it on anyone. I'm not crazy church lady...With this said, I need to thank Him for giving me the strength to do what is right in the first place. I prayed and prayed to him over the past few months that he would actually give C the strength to do what is right, and I believe that God did just that. He gave C the strength to be honest and upfront with me, and I in turn had the strength to allow myself to walk away from a relationship that was just not right. I know that it has only been a month, but I feel so much more emotionally healthy than I did when E and I broke up. I am ok with the prospect of moving on, and I'm embracing my future-whatever it may be. So a big thank you to God for giving me the strength to know that I am going to be ok :) I do love that guy (or girl or whatever God is!)
So where do the thanks come in? I have to first say that I'm in no way a bible-thumping kind of lady. I absolutely believe in God and that He is good, but I'm not the type who would ever push it on anyone. I'm not crazy church lady...With this said, I need to thank Him for giving me the strength to do what is right in the first place. I prayed and prayed to him over the past few months that he would actually give C the strength to do what is right, and I believe that God did just that. He gave C the strength to be honest and upfront with me, and I in turn had the strength to allow myself to walk away from a relationship that was just not right. I know that it has only been a month, but I feel so much more emotionally healthy than I did when E and I broke up. I am ok with the prospect of moving on, and I'm embracing my future-whatever it may be. So a big thank you to God for giving me the strength to know that I am going to be ok :) I do love that guy (or girl or whatever God is!)
02 September, 2010
Lions and Tigers and Bears!
Well, maybe not lions and bears, but Oh my..
For the past week, I've been having all kinds of crazy dreams. I have fought panthers (and won), saved a little girl from drowning and I've been pregnant. I've had to manuever my way through snowy, slushy streets and have had my teeth fall out. Despite all the obstacles in my dreams, I've been able to make full recoveries and overcome anything that came my way. I'm glad for that. I have been looking into each dream the morning after they happen; both Andrea and I agree that they are all about me working through my emotions.
There's so much going through my head right now. It's pretty positive. Here are some examples:
"I'm going to co-chair community involvement for my company!"
"He smells fantastic"
"I love Maggie; she's my heart"
"I wish Maggie would stay out of the trash"
"I should do my laundry"
I did say "pretty positive!" If my dog would stay out of the trash, things would be exponentially improved :)
Still no word on the Peace Corps. I hope I get something in the mail this week so I know where I stand-or at least know my next steps. Otherwise, I'm happy to announce that I will be the supervisor for the nesting classes again this year and I'm going to be traveling to some benefit fairs to represent my company in October and November. OH-six weeks until the half marathon also!!
For the past week, I've been having all kinds of crazy dreams. I have fought panthers (and won), saved a little girl from drowning and I've been pregnant. I've had to manuever my way through snowy, slushy streets and have had my teeth fall out. Despite all the obstacles in my dreams, I've been able to make full recoveries and overcome anything that came my way. I'm glad for that. I have been looking into each dream the morning after they happen; both Andrea and I agree that they are all about me working through my emotions.
There's so much going through my head right now. It's pretty positive. Here are some examples:
"I'm going to co-chair community involvement for my company!"
"He smells fantastic"
"I love Maggie; she's my heart"
"I wish Maggie would stay out of the trash"
"I should do my laundry"
I did say "pretty positive!" If my dog would stay out of the trash, things would be exponentially improved :)
Still no word on the Peace Corps. I hope I get something in the mail this week so I know where I stand-or at least know my next steps. Otherwise, I'm happy to announce that I will be the supervisor for the nesting classes again this year and I'm going to be traveling to some benefit fairs to represent my company in October and November. OH-six weeks until the half marathon also!!
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