The Hardest Thing

Well, not the hardest but it comes in second on the list of most difficult things I have had to do in my life. I will say that this is not a happy post, but a necessary one for my own well being.

The hardest thing I have EVER had to do was actually a series of things:

1) know that I was the last person to see my older brother alive, and didn't do anything to keep him in the house that night. I don't think I'll ever actually get over that.

2) answer the phone from the sheriff's department and have to hear that they found my brother's belongings by the lake, followed by me having to call my mother and tell her that he is now considered a missing person.

3) answer the door for the police, seeing their black stripe over their badge and know that I will never hug my oldest brother again.

4) be completely helpless while my parents make funeral arrangements, and then going through the process of burying my brother-my friend.

I suddenly became the oldest and the role model for my younger siblings. I will say that I am nowhere near a perfect sister. I haven't been there for them nearly enough in their lives-I realize that. I care about all three of them, and when they hurt, I hurt. I hate knowing that any of them are in pain and suffering. So here comes the second hardest thing I've ever had to do...

My younger brother posted a blog last week that I had just found yesterday morning. In the post, he talked about wanting to hurt himself...actually take himself out of the world. I think I had a completely normal reaction, which is utter fear for him. I knew that he was really struggling to make ends meet, having an extremely difficult time dealing with life situations that he's going through. I didn't know that he had gotten to that point in life where he was actually entertaining the idea of hurting himself.

I called my mother, talked to her about the situation and she and I had agreed that we would go and talk to him together. I called my Employee Assistance Program and asked about what I could do to support him. The advice they provided seemed pretty good. I would need to go and urge him to please seek medical care, and if he refused, then I would need to call the police and have a well person check done on him. So, that's what I did. I went over to his house first and tried to talk to him. I wanted (still want) to understand what's going on, and when it got to this point. He told me that if I cared for him, I would leave him alone; accept that this is what he wants in life.

I love my brother with all of my heart. He has two wonderful children, and the last thing that I could ever accept would be him taking himself out of the world. It doesn't matter whether his kids are young or adults-suicide is suicide and it hurts just as much for the people who love you no matter how old they are. I never told him that I would accept it. I hugged him, told him I loved him and thought about the conversation we had on my way home. I then called the police, and asked to have someone go and speak to him. While I knew that he wouldn't be a danger to my nephew, I know that he's a danger to himself. I did exactly what I felt was right, and if I had to do it every single day until he gets help, I would. Is he mad at me? I'm positive. Will he talk to me any time soon? Absolutely not. That's not so much of a deterrent for me because I know in my heart that I was doing the right thing.