Thankful

C sent me a text message today, asking when I am off work tomorrow. He and I have been having a sort of battle royal, and have decided to cut ties with each other. I think it's the best thing we could possibly do, considering how much he stresses me out. We have been trying to get his dresser and nightstand moved out of my apartment, but there have been some roadblocks (he was out of town when I hauled his stuff out into the breezeway!). He told me that his friend Shane will be coming by to pick up his stuff...while I can't stand Shane either, I am much more willing to deal with him at this point than C.

None of this should be a big deal at all, and he and I should be able to be cordial with each other. It's so stupid to have so much drama around the picking up of Maggie, and being considerate with holiday plans. This is what started the entire fight between the two of us, and I'm not really willing to go over it on here. I have to say that I'm glad that we are through talking, and I don't have to deal with him anymore. No more drama, no more anything. I can live my life and be happy :) This is the one time that I will say this: Thank goodness for Shane :)

Holiday goodies

No, I'm not talking about food (although, I did venture off my healthier eating plan this weekend though. My bloated state is clear evidence of all the mashed potatoes...)! I got to spend my first Christmas with Shaun, and it was truly wonderful. We went to his dad's family Christmas on the 24th, which was so much fun! There was a small gift exchange beforehand with just Shaun, Heather and their dad and stepmom. I though it was very nice that they put up a stocking for me and also got me a gift; completely unnecessary, but very sweet. When the entire family came, I once again felt as if I fit right in. His grandma came and sat with me and Heather; I joked around with some of the cousins and even got an "evil elf" gift. I love that I feel so comfortable with him and his family.

Initially, I was going to be on my own for my families Christmas; however Shaun's mom got some kind of stomach bug so he was able to come after all. I didn't want Heather to be alone on Christmas Day, so I invited her to come as well. While the drive was long (1.5 hours one way), it was well worth it. Shaun and Heather both looked really comfortable with my family and Shaun was able to bond with my dad and uncle Dale. The white elephant gift exchange worked out perfectly also. Both Shaun and Heather brought something to contribute, and I think their gifts were the best two in the bunch! I'm pretty excited to see what next year's will be :) Shaun and I decided not to do gifts this year; it seems so early in our relationship and it's just not necessary. Even without the presents, I think this has been my favorite Christmas yet. I love him SO MUCH, and it just makes me really overjoyed to have a man who is actively engaged in what is important to me, and actually wants to be around my family also. He was really excited to meet everyone, and he wasn't a bit nervous. I know I say this a lot, but I really am a lucky lady to have such a wonderful person to share my life with. I can't wait to get to grow old with him.

The plan...

I had a very difficult time sleeping last night. I kept thinking about my sister, and the challenge walk. The more I think about it, the more it sounds like my mission for 2011. I just need to decide whether to do the walk in St. Louis, or the walk in Wisconsin. I like that if I do the challenge walk in Missouri, it stays within the mid-west. If I do Wisconsin, it will only go to benefit the Wisconsin chapter. That's how I read it anyway.

I found an 18 week marathon walking program that I will do to build myself up for it. I plan to take it seriously, so that I can finish in a decent amount of time each day. It is 50 miles afterall! I need to recruit some help on fundraising, since I'm not the most successful at raising funds for things like this. I think that a poker tournament would be a great way to raise money, also bake sales, etc. I'm just not sure where I would HOLD a bake sale. I need help!

My wonderful friend Tim said that he would walk with me on a team, and contribute to my fundraising effort, which I am thankful for. I appreciate his willingness. There's a reason I call him my brother :) My best friend, Andrea, also said that she would seriously consider walking with me too. I'm thankful for that.

I really want to be the most supportive sister I can be for Lauren, and aside from emotional support, this is the biggest thing that I can think of doing to show her how much I love and care for her. It feels really good to have a goal (albeit a monster goal it seems right now) for the year, and to have something to train for!

I'm just full of updates

I think that's all this is becoming...update central. I need to get better at posting things on here. This was supposed to be about a journey, and now all I seem to have time for is updating the one or two people who read this, and already know what's going to be posted on here!

The biggest thing I have an update about is my family-in particular, one person. This person is my baby sister. She had a spinal tap done a few weeks ago to check for MS (not sure if I posted anything on here about that or not; I would have to re-read my last post). The test results came back a few days ago, and they came back positive. This is both positive and negative, if that's even possible. The good news is that they caught the MS early enough to try and aggressively treat it, so that she might have a better chance at a having a more normal life. She goes to St. Louis probably after the first of the year to see a specialist for treatment options. The bad news is that, well, she has MS. I never wanted this for my sister. If anyone knows her at all, they know that she has already been through the ringer on things that have happened in her life. She and I have spoken about things that we can do together to try and help her through this in the long term, and one of them is yoga. Studies have shown that yoga (as well as other regular exercise) is a great way to help the MS symptoms and help to continue to build strength. She was excited about the prospect of doing yoga together, and quite frankly, so am I. I really want the best for her; just as I want for the rest of my family. I know that I made her sad when she heard me starting to cry over the phone, but I just couldn't help it. While MS is not a death sentence, it can be extremely debilitating and I just don't want her to suffer any more than she has to. I wish I could just take it on for her.

There are a few MS challenge walks this next year, and I would like to be able to do one for her. They are each 50 miles, over three days. The first walk is in June, and the second one that I would consider is in September. I would rather do the June walk, but we will see. I told Lauren about it, and she was also really happy to hear that I wanted to do this for her. It would be like walking a marathon two days in a row, then almost a half the third day. It's a lot to build up for, but it is totally worth it. My sister has always meant the world to me, and I would walk through fire for her. 50 miles is nothing if it helps raise funds.

I don't really have much more to tell. My ex is getting ready to take Maggie full time after Tuesday of next week. That is his last final. I'm so sad to see her go. I just spent 5 days without her, and as happy as I was to be with my boyfriend the whole time, I really missed my dog. She's been by my side for almost three years now, and I just adore her. She makes me smile and laugh every single day. Life without her is just not going to be the same. I know that I'm doing the right thing, and I know that I can still see her as often as I want, but it is not the same. I know that C will take good care of her-she was his dog too. She was my baby though.

Weekend Update

I had a pretty eventful weekend. My cousin, Catrina invited me to a Mavericks game (ice hockey) with herself and her sons on Friday night. The game was a lot of fun to watch; not very many fights, but the ones that did break out were pretty good. It was great to be able to spend time her. She and I haven't spent a whole lot of time together in a very long time. It has been almost six years actually. Saturday, I had my family's "Redneck Thanksgiving" which was also fun. I got to shoot a gun (which I probably don't need to do again!) and I saw Brody and Andrew, which was nice. Andrew didn't have too much to say, which I suppose is understandable. He'll get over things eventually...I'm really glad that I got to see my nephew. I miss him so much; Sadie too, but that's a whole different situation. Saturday night was Shaun and Chuck's double birthday party. I got to meet more of Shaun's friends whom he rarely gets to see either because they are always busy or they live out of town. It was nice to get to know them better. All of them said that Shaun has been telling them all kinds of wonderful things about me, which is great :) I of course, got drunk and ended up wrestling UFC style with Chuck. I got him in two pretty amazing sleeper holds. Shaun tried to get me in one, and I rolled him onto the floor in his kitchen to get myself out of it. He fared much better than Chuck. By the time it was all said and done, I ended up kicking Chuck in the face, and the second time, the poor guy got punched in the face by me. The only reason he won that one was because he tried to squeeze my stomach into my throat, and I couldn't get out of the hold. It vaguely reminded me of a hulk hands situation with Andrea, back in like 2006 or something! Fun times.

Today was pretty mellow. I picked up Maggie from C's mom's house, had a quick lunch and then napped with the pup. When I got up, I went back to Shaun's and watched the Chiefs game then Knocked Up with him and Heather, while we ate Chinese food. It's funny; I feel more at home with him there than I do at my own apartment. I guess that's not funny, really...I see myself with him for the long haul, so it would make sense that he feels like "home" to me. I never want to leave him at the end of the night. Tonight was no exception...here it is, 1 am in the morning, and I only got home about half an hour ago. I stay as long as I can every time, and the goodbyes take forever. He and I decided tonight that we are not going to do Christmas presents. Neither of us really need anything, and both of us have said previously that we would rather not buy gifts if we don't have to. I like being able to get him presents whenever I feel like it. This isn't to say that maybe next year, when we've been together longer, we might get each other something small. Just not this year.

That's it for my weekend update. Thanks for reading. Peace and love to you all :)

Time for an update

I finally heard back from the Peace Corps! My "thanks, but no thanks" letter came in the mail last week. Am I disappointed? No. I am glad that I made the attempt to join, and I realized going in that my lack of schooling may have hindered me from being seriously considered. I have a lot on my plate for this coming year anyway. I signed up for college (finally), and will be taking an accelerated math and english course during the first semester, then moving into more studies during the second semester. I'm pretty excited to get started. I will say, Shaun is happy that I will be staying state-side. The two of us are making plans to travel, and are very excited to get started. We will be going to Sanibel Island in Florida in June with his family, and then in November of next year we will travel to Italy for a romantic (and food filled) vacation. I am looking forward to seeing Rome and Venice with a man as amazing as he is. I couldn't ask for a better partner in life (minus my HSL of course).

It's been such a short amount of time, but both of us know already in our hearts that this is it. We have so much in common and are so happy together. I miss him the moment I leave him, and can't wait to get to see him again. I have to actively stop myself from thinking about him so that I can get work done. Shaun is also the first man (since high school) that I have had absolutely ZERO doubts about as far as fidelity, honesty...anything. I trust him 110% and I love that I can be myself around him. I'm not holding anything back, and it feels truly liberating, exhilarating, amazing...you get the picture. The thought of spending the rest of my life with this man just seems natural and good. I thank God every day for showing me such a truly fantastic man.

In other news, since I will be so busy with school, and with the fact that I am rarely home as it is now...C will be taking Maggie to live with him. It's the best case scenario I believe. I will still get to see her frequently, and she will have a better home life. I feel awful that she spends so much time alone. It makes me feel guilty; like I am a bad pet-mommy. I want her to be happy and healthy (emotionally), so I felt it was best to seek another home out for her. C couldn't bear the thought of her going to a stranger, so he offered to take her. I'm grateful for that; I couldn't imagine her being away from me like that. I have had Maggie since she was three weeks old. C and I are the only owners she has ever known. I love her so much, and will miss her being away but I know that she will be happier in the long run. Next month, Maggie will reside in a different place. That's going to be tough to swallow for me.

I believe that is all the news I have for tonight. Peace and love to you all!

Halloween...and stuff :)

I have to say-this Halloween was pretty spectacular. Shaun and I carved pumpkins together, which was so much fun! He and I laughed the entire time we were carving them. The pumpkins were "drunk" and one of them was puking. While not original, it was hilarious! Saturday evening, Shaun, Heather (his sister) and I all went out for Halloween parties. There were some pretty interesting costumes. Our friend Steve was dressed as the guy from 300, and he made sure that he wore as little clothing as possible-it was literally a cape, sandals and this little pair of fake leather speedos (that he sewed himself!) Our friend Chuck went all out and dressed as Pinhead from some horror movie....I always forget the name! He looked awesome!

Sunday was a pretty huge day-I met Shaun's family (well, some of them). I know how important his mom is to him, so meeting her was something that I have been very excited to do. She was very funny, and very nice. I liked everyone I met and I got along very naturally with them (which is generally the case). I am so glad that he cares enough about me to where he wants me around his family. That says a lot about our relationship and how much value he puts into me. I'm also really glad that we haven't rushed right into dating and then meeting the family (back to back). Everything about this just felt right; then again, everything about Shaun feels right. He's amazing.

On an unrelated note, I received a phone call from the Peace Corps at work-they were checking to see if I received my letter yet, and if not, to call them back. I did return their phone call and advised that I have in fact not received my letter and asked them to re-send it to me. At this point, I'm simply curious to see what they have to say. I know that I want to help people-it's something I feel I need to do with my life...I'm just starting to doubt if I was meant to do the PC. Could it be a sign that this is not my path?

50 things

Initially, I was going to make this a post on my private journal, so only I could see it. I started thinking, "why shouldn't my friends be able to see the things that I like about myself?" I've been working really hard this year at becoming a more emotionally healthy person; I've been going through therapy, finally took the initiative to get help about my anxiety problems, ended a relationship that simply lasted too long...I know that I have a lot of people routing for me to succeed in just about everything that I do, so I feel like I kind of owe it to everyone to brag a little about myself :) So here it is...50 things I like about myself:

1) my eyes-this is a no-brainer. I have always loved the way my eye color changes from a hazel to beautiful green, depending on my mood. I also love the brown speck in my right eye!
2) my sense of humor
3) I love my devotion to the people I love
4) I love my drive to help people (kind of stole this from Andrea, but it's true.)
5) my impeccable taste in heels
6) I love the fact that I haven't gained a ton of weight since high school, and can still eat pretty much anything I want!
7) I love my finger-toes. Yep, it's true!
8) I love how much I genuinely care for others-even if it means that I get walked all over, or they don't appreciate it. Someday, they will get it.
9) I love the fact that I can do anything I set my mind to (half marathon)
10) my love for nerdy, educational television
11) I love the fact that I know how to cook, and I enjoy cooking for others :)
12) I love my weird taste in food (peanut butter and pickles)....It helps keep me interesting
13) my endless need to understand the meaning behind my dreams.
14) I love that I have made it my mission to have a closer relationship with God-without sticking with a religion I don't agree with.
15) along with the last one, I like that I write out my prayers in a little journal I keep in my purse. I like to pause at work or whenever I feel I have something to say. Usually it's to give thanks for people or things in my life. Sometimes it's a prayer to help me continue to be the woman I want to be.
16) I love that I am open-minded and accepting of everyone. I truly believe that everyone is equal, no matter what their race, sexual orientation or religion and we should all have the same rights and liberties. This includes marriage!
17) I love the little freckle on my left ring finger
18) my smile
19) the length of my eyelashes
20) I love that with all the things that have happened in my life (dealing with death, struggles with having a consistently good relationship with my mom, etc), I have managed to make it out in relatively good shape.
21) I love that I was able to quickly realize after a difficult breakup that he was never right for me, and was able to move on to someone so much better suited for me.
22) I love that I keep my heart open for others
23) I love that I'm a giver
24) my love for animals-especially Maynard and Maggie
25) my love for art/culture
26) my brilliant personality :)
27) I love that I kept so many notes from friends in high school-it's fun to go back through them and have a good laugh.
28) my love for writing-even if I am not really that talented a writer, it's fun to do. I once had a teacher in high school who encouraged me to continue to write.
29) my multi-tasking abilities. It helps me stay productive at work!
30) work related...I love that I was rated the top supervisor in the center. I like what I do, and I am always trying to do better.
31) I love my tattoo...while this is an object, it's permanently on my body, and I picked it. I feel like it's a great expression of who I am.
32) I love the fact that I don't cry during all the sappy, chick flick movies.
33) my nerdy love of astrology...I'm not afraid to admit it either!
34) my creativity
35) I love the fact that I can still be a girly-girl and not be afraid to put a worm on a hook!
36) my love of science and space
37) I'm intelligent.
38) I'm weird
39) I'm fun to be around
40) I'm an excellent snuggler
41) I'm honest
42) I'm faithful-I guess this kind of piggybacks off of the devotion. I'm very devoted and caring, and I will never EVER cheat on a partner.
43) I love my desire to travel and see things
44) my love for the outdoors
45) I'm not going to lie...I'm a big fan of my "death stare". People know that I'm not one to be messed with when they get that look...
46) I'll fight for what is right
47) I'm an excellent back rubber
48) I am an expert at looking busy, when I'm clearly just messing around
49) I never give up on people
50) I love that I also never give up on myself.

And there....while some of them are pretty simple, 50 things are 50 things, and I'm proud to say that I am finally a fan of ME. As Andrea would say, "It's about time!"

Vacation

Shaun and I finally made a decision on where we want to go for our first out of country trip. We have been discussing for a few weeks the possibility of doing a European vacation, but there are so many places to see! Yesterday, he and I had e-mailed back and forth on possibly going to Greece, and he showed me this marathon that they do in Athens every year. They also have a 10k race, which he said he wouldn't mind training for. I did sign up to get details for next year's race, however the place that he and I ended up choosing this time around was Italy. It was really a no-brainer. We both really want to visit and see the history of the country, eat delicious food and just enjoy being together. We still need to figure out when we will go next year, but still. Italy! Molto!!

I do want to do the run in Athens at some point. Not sure if I would make that my first marathon or not...we'll just have to see. Maybe 2012?

Half Marathon

I'm proud to say that I finished my first half marathon! Andrea came up from Houston on Friday to run with me. I must say first-she's a great motivator. That crazy lady was upbeat and happy the whole thirteen miles. I, on the otherhand, was hating life about four miles in. I had a very low level of personal motivation or energy for most of the race. We probably should have had breakfast before running such a long distance. Nonetheless, I finished the race with my best friend on my arm and it felt amazing. I also had some great support there. Shaun and my friend Chuck came to watch us run as well as Andrea's mom and dad. My mom and sister did come out, but they were a little too early, and left before I was able to finish the race. I'm glad that they at least made the attempt. Shaun was very sweet. He had a dozen red roses for me as well as a card and a gift card for a full body massage! I can't sing his praises enough; not because he got me flowers and a present, but because he is such a wonderful man. It's so refreshing to be with someone who is as genuinely warm and caring and unselfish as Shaun is. He lets the world know he's with me, which is something I haven't ever had before. I've always been the one to give all of myself in a relationship, and now it's an equal effort. I appreciate everything he does. It's great.

On another note-still no word from Peace Corps in my mailbox. Is this a sign that I was really not supposed to join? It makes me wonder. I check the mail every day, and nothing. Zip, zero, zilch. I know that in my heart, it is something that I would love the opportunity to do. I know that I would have the chance to really provide help to people who need it. A lot of people are asking if I can just stay local and still help. Yes, and I do that already. I feel that the Peace Corps will give me something that local organizations just don't provide, which is the ability to get out of my comfort zone and make an impact on a community with very limited resources. I guess I just have to see what happens. I do pray to God that the things happening in my life are happening for the right reasons. I feel a lot closer to Him than I have in many years, so I trust that He knows what is best for me. I'm also happy to report that I am loving myself a lot more than I used to as well. This is huge for me. I still need to write my "list"...the 50 things that I love about myself. If you don't remember this, please go back to my August posts, and take a look at the LEARN process. I made a commitment to myself that I would do this, and I will. I just haven't..yet.

The Weekend Update

This weekend has been a good (and very busy) one! Friday night, my friend Chuck and I went to dinner and a movie. We saw Wall Street-Money Never Sleeps. I liked the movie a lot. I haven't seen the first Wall Street yet, so I'll make sure to check that out asap. After the movie, he and I went out to our friend Adam Rogers' for a small bon-fire. It was really nice to be able to just sit and relax with friends. Saturday, Shaun and I went to the Nelson-Atkins and enjoyed art and photography. I'm so glad that he likes cultural things, as I could never convince my ex to go with me. While we were there, Shaun told me that he had an idea for lunch; Thai place! It was delicious (as always). I then went home to spend some time with Maggie, and pack an overnight bag. Shaun and I then went to a housewarming party, and I met some good friends of his. It was a really great time; I also had the best mini cupcakes on the face of the planet. I plan to get them for Shaun and Chuck's dual birthday party next month. Sunday, I slept in and then met up with Chuck to help put my bed back together. Once that was done, I took a trip out to Lawrence to visit my very dear friend, Mayabi. We had mexican and then some ice cream and walked around downtown. He then showed me the pharmacy building at KU (I still like MU better), and I went home.

I really enjoyed meeting Shaun's friends. Most of us had gone to high school together, but I never knew. What is even more funny is that I actually graduated with one, and never even knew him. We discussed the 10 year reunion, and how disappointing it turned out (he didn't even go). I have to say that I really just enjoy Shaun. He makes me happy every single day. I know that our relationship is still new, but I really can't see him changing his personality as the relationship goes on. Who he is now is who he will always be. I'm so excited for Friday. My best friend comes in town for the half marathon, and she finally gets to meet Shaun. Now if only Journey and Randa could hurry up and get here, he would have met all of my best girlfriends, with the exception of Julie.

Last Night

Last night was not good for me. I am posting this so that I can just move on with my life. I received a text message yesterday afternoon from C asking if I was available to help switch out our beds. I agreed, and prefaced the agreement with the fact that I had plans in the evening around 7 pm. I did say that I could be a little late because I knew that we needed to get this switch done asap. First thing to irritate me was that he seemed to be taking his sweet time getting to my apartment with the truck. He got there at 6 pm. We loaded up his bed, and switched them out at the storage unit. I had asked my friend, Chuck, to meet us back at the apartment to help get my bed up the three flights of stairs, since it is astronomically heavy. On the way back to my apartment, I thought it would be polite to ask about the girl that C is seeing. I asked what she did for a living, etc. I then asked what his plans were for the weekend, since she was coming into town (this is where I become livid). He had the audacity to tell me that he was going to go running with her, because she's training for this track event (she apparently does hurdles). I could not believe it. I looked at him, cocked my head to the side and said "You're going running with her? You NEVER ran with me. Ever." C looked at me like it was not a big deal, and I shouldn't be upset with it. He told me that she's been working really hard, and that it was important to her.

In the three years that he and I were together, he went to ONE race of mine. One. I asked him to run with me quite often, and he was never interested. I still can't determine if he was telling me this about her because he wants me to be jealous and he wanted to hurt me, or if he just truly never cared that much about me and what I felt was important. When I had mentioned to him last night that my half marathon was coming up in two weeks, he couldn't have cared less. I'm thinking that really, he never cared that much about me.

I know that what I have right now is so much better than what I ever had with C. I'm grateful and truly happy everyday that I get to spend with Shaun. He knows how to make me laugh, and we have the best time together. Leaving at the end of the night is so difficult. I know that things are new, and they'll settle down with him but I feel so positive about our relationship and the direction it is headed. Witht his said, I don't understand how I could not have gotten that out of C. Why-in three years of me supporting his decisions (which lets face it, were not the easiest choices to have to support), could he not have ever showed me that he really cared about me. Why couldn't he have taken a true interest in things that I was passionate about? Why would he give it so freely to someone he just met? It infuriates me to know that I wasted so much of my time loving and caring for someone who didn't return it.

I had a dream last night that I was supposed to run a full marathon, and when it came down to the day of the race, I was held up and was late. I made Andrea run it alone, because I had "forgotten" what time it started. I had to sit there and run it by myself...in regular clothes, and then picked up extra baggage that was left by another man who didn't feel like carrying it anymore. I didn't finish the marathon in my dream, and I did turn in the "baggage" to a lost and found. It was an interesting dream. I also met up with Andrea at the end of the race, and she had been able to finish her portion. I felt badly that I made her go through it without me.

I'm chalking that dream up to the fact that I've carried around C's baggage for too long, and I must feel like I've been held back. I gave him up in my dream, which is what I am also doing in my waking life. I'm glad that my brain is so smart. I am now going to let this go, and move on with my day-and my life. I hope that C is happy, but I know that I am happier!

Some Self Analysis

Last night, I spent some time at my apartment complex hot tub doing some reading and relaxing for my sore muscles. I am (sad to admit) still reading the book Eat Pray Love, and had only gotten a few pages in when a couple of guys came in to the pool area. The best way I can describe these guys were adult children. I believe that they were 19 at the oldest, and one of them was trying to get my attention. He asked me if I "wanted to see something cool", and then told me that I had to take a picture of him doing this trick. I of course did not take a picture, but I watched him launch himself (and his bike) into our pool, and when he came up, he asked if I had seen him. I felt like a mom watching her child, and found myself just looking at him saying "Yes, I saw you. Very good."

He came into the hot tub and proceeded to give me the details of his life, and I can only describe it as awful. I found myself listening to him and trying to see in my own mind what help I could give him. "Surely I have resources that I could give to this guy," I thought to myself. I just sat there and listened to him go on about his family and how he has only one friend; the other guy who had initially come to the pool with him. I sat in the hot tub listening for probably fourty minutes, and couldn't take it anymore. There was no way that I could help him; first of all, he wouldn't have accepted it if I offered it. Second, and this was a little painful for me...it wasn't my problem.

I had a very difficult time getting to sleep last night. I had so many thoughts going around in my head. Some were good-they were of my new relationship; the rest however were of my family, and all of the problems they are having personally. I laid there, staring at the ceiling wondering what I was going to do with all of this until I finally told myself that none of this was actually my problem. Everything that is going on is awful-my brother, my cousin and her children. I will never understand why someone would want to harm a child, and even worse than that...why would they want to make it seem like it's no big deal? The kids didn't do anything to deserve this kind of treatment from their own father. I also will never understand the logic behind wanting to end your own life, and expecting others to be okay with it. After thinking about all of this, I finally decided that I REALLY need to stop taking on everyone else's problems as my own. I'm certainly not going to ignore it, but I can't magically make things better for anyone. This has always been something I've struggled with, and its just time to stop. I need to let people work out their own issues. No one offers to fix my problems for me; I do that on my own. I have support from friends and family, but in the end its up to me to correct my mistakes. Sooooo...I'm posting this and then moving on with life. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

What the French Toast?

Saturday night I had a very weird dream. It involved my family members, but mostly my cousin, Catrina. She and I were trying to help family members while all of these tornadoes were coming from all around. We couldn't escape them and had to take cover in a ditch. One very large tornado actually touched down on us, then moved on. I have been wondering if everything was going alright with her, since the last time I dreamt about Catrina, she was going through some personal family issues. I called and low and behold, there is more going on with her two boys and their father. Even worse than the last time, because now he is abusing both boys. Catrina is at the end of her rope, and isn't sure where to turn since Department of Family Services is not helping her, and the court won't issue a restraining order against her ex husband. The only thing that I can think to do is have her send me EVERYTHING she has, pictures included and I will call CAPA (Child Abuse Protection Agency) tomorrow to see what her next steps would be.

On another note, I am still waiting from the Peace Corps for paperwork. I'm starting to wonder why I haven't received anything yet. Maybe I'm not meant to do the Peace Corps? It's pretty frustrating. I would at least like to get the paperwork and see if I can get an interview! This is ridiculous. I think the only good things I have going on right now is my wonderful boyfriend, S...and the fact that I feel like God is answering my prayers. Case in point-today. Maggie and I were at Retriever Lake playing, and I dropped my keys. I had been searching the field for about a half hour before I asked "God, please help me find my keys!" Not even 10 minutes later, I found them in a completely random patch of grass that I swore I had already searched. I love that he's always at work!

Dream, dream dream

I had a dream last night that I was meeting relatives in Germany. What an amazing experience. I was able to smell the air, enjoy the scenery of the countryside where they live in Schwabisch-Gmund and meet cousins and aunts that I wouldn't have a chance to in my waking life (not at this moment at least). I had a discussion with a cousin, Hildegarde, about why I wasn't able to have children. At the time I was speaking with her, I went over to a part of the yard where children were playing and picked up my nephew. I sat him on my lap, and told him "Ich liebe dich". I said, "Do you know what this means sweetheart?" He said no, and I told him "It means, I love you. Lots." I then gave him a kiss. My cousin looked at me, smiling, and I could tell she knew that I had meant it. I then woke up.

There was more to the dream than this portion, but this was the part that I needed the most help understanding. I came into work and looked up what it meant to be "infertile". The dreamers dictionary said this:

To dream that you are infertile, represents a lack of creativity. Something in your waking life isn't working out the way you want it to. The dream may also reflect your own state of infertility and the struggles to have a baby.

I'm not trying to have a baby, so it makes perfect sense that it would be the fact that there is something in my life that's not working out the way I want it to. The symbolism of me immediately picking up my nephew and loving him represents my struggles to understand my brother and his situation. I am still extremely upset by his actions and threats to exclude me from seeing him or my nephew. I won't force the issue, but I don't agree with him. He is having so many personal struggles, and he is refusing to help himself. I wish he would, for the sake of himself and his children. I love all of them so much, and I want the best for my brother as well as my neice and nephew.

The Hardest Thing

Well, not the hardest but it comes in second on the list of most difficult things I have had to do in my life. I will say that this is not a happy post, but a necessary one for my own well being.

The hardest thing I have EVER had to do was actually a series of things:

1) know that I was the last person to see my older brother alive, and didn't do anything to keep him in the house that night. I don't think I'll ever actually get over that.

2) answer the phone from the sheriff's department and have to hear that they found my brother's belongings by the lake, followed by me having to call my mother and tell her that he is now considered a missing person.

3) answer the door for the police, seeing their black stripe over their badge and know that I will never hug my oldest brother again.

4) be completely helpless while my parents make funeral arrangements, and then going through the process of burying my brother-my friend.

I suddenly became the oldest and the role model for my younger siblings. I will say that I am nowhere near a perfect sister. I haven't been there for them nearly enough in their lives-I realize that. I care about all three of them, and when they hurt, I hurt. I hate knowing that any of them are in pain and suffering. So here comes the second hardest thing I've ever had to do...

My younger brother posted a blog last week that I had just found yesterday morning. In the post, he talked about wanting to hurt himself...actually take himself out of the world. I think I had a completely normal reaction, which is utter fear for him. I knew that he was really struggling to make ends meet, having an extremely difficult time dealing with life situations that he's going through. I didn't know that he had gotten to that point in life where he was actually entertaining the idea of hurting himself.

I called my mother, talked to her about the situation and she and I had agreed that we would go and talk to him together. I called my Employee Assistance Program and asked about what I could do to support him. The advice they provided seemed pretty good. I would need to go and urge him to please seek medical care, and if he refused, then I would need to call the police and have a well person check done on him. So, that's what I did. I went over to his house first and tried to talk to him. I wanted (still want) to understand what's going on, and when it got to this point. He told me that if I cared for him, I would leave him alone; accept that this is what he wants in life.

I love my brother with all of my heart. He has two wonderful children, and the last thing that I could ever accept would be him taking himself out of the world. It doesn't matter whether his kids are young or adults-suicide is suicide and it hurts just as much for the people who love you no matter how old they are. I never told him that I would accept it. I hugged him, told him I loved him and thought about the conversation we had on my way home. I then called the police, and asked to have someone go and speak to him. While I knew that he wouldn't be a danger to my nephew, I know that he's a danger to himself. I did exactly what I felt was right, and if I had to do it every single day until he gets help, I would. Is he mad at me? I'm positive. Will he talk to me any time soon? Absolutely not. That's not so much of a deterrent for me because I know in my heart that I was doing the right thing.

Waiting...

I'm still waiting for my insurance company to contact me about having a claims adjuster coming out to assess the damage on my car. I hope that they get in touch with me tomorrow. I also sent an e-mail to the regional office for the Peace Corps so that they can re-send the paperwork for my fingerprints and background check.

C came over today to pick up some of his belongings from my apartment. I did't realize just how much stuff I have of his just sitting around. It's nice to get it out of my home so that I can make it mine again. It was nice to see him, but in another way it was really stressful for me. I felt like puking almost the whole time. I'm not sure why. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Not anymore. I guess I'm just not really ready enough to see him one on one. We talked about our dating lives which was also very awkward for me. In the past three years, I had never imagined that I would be talking to him about other guys that I would date. Oh well. I like the way my life is going. I am glad that he is also seeing someone. It makes the process of moving on easier, not thinking that I am moving on too quickly. I am anxious to get all of our stuff situated so that the apartment is mine; not what was once "ours."

Hopefully the car situation gets corrected soon. I guess if it doesn't I'll just go and get it fixed on Friday when I get paid. The vehicle needs an overhaul-shampoo and everything from all the rain that got in over the weekend. If I can just get the windshield situation covered, I'll be a happy (or happier) lady.

new look

So I got a new haircut. I woke up this morning and decided to do something different. I love the front, but I think the back needs to be fixed. I don't like the fact that the back isn't as angled as I wanted originally. Otherwise, it's quite nice. I'm loving the bangs. It was definitely much needed.

On a not so positive note, we had a horrible hail storm and the hail knocked out my rear windshield. Blah. I'm glad that I have insurance, and I'll get it fixed this week. I'm also pretty lucky that S is letting me borrow a vehicle so that I don't have to carpool to work this week or have to spend the extra money to rent a car for an entire week. He's very sweet. We have a date to go to the Ren Fest tomorrow (weather permitting of course.) If the weather doesn't hold up, then he and I have a date to go to the Nelson art gallery. Either way, it will be a fantastic day!

Getting Lighter...

I received a text message last night from C. It started off simple, "How have you been?" I told him that I was good, and asked how he was. It was the usual "school and gym". Then he asked me "What have you been up to?" I held my breath and typed "I've been on a few dates." I was waiting for the worst, but what I got instead was "Oh yeah? How did they go?" I'm not sure why I should be shocked that the response was so good and that when I told him who I had been on dates with, he was okay with it. I asked him if he had been out on dates and he said that he had been.

This makes me feel better about the whole situation. I don't feel guilty anymore about the fact that I am happy, and I am enjoying the time I am spending with this new person. I want the best for C, and I want him to be happy. He told me that I shouldn't have been worried because he wouldn't be upset. He said "You know that I want the best for you, and want you to be happy, right?" What a relief!

Weekend Update

I got some mail from the Peace Corps the other day. I was so excited to open it and see what they had to say. Alas, it was only my username and password to log in and check the status of my application. I am still waiting for fingerprint forms to come in the mail, and some other form that I can't remember. One thing that I like is that on the website they have some online learning classes I could do to help prepare, just in case I am accepted.

I also gave blood on Thursday for the Red Cross. Originally, I understood that any person with a new tattoo had to wait one year before they could give blood. I was educated by a phlebotomist that actually, in the state of Missouri as long as you go to a shop to have it done there isn't the one year stipulation! I am really happy about that. I love being able to donate.

No other news really to report. I have been pretty lazy, so I need to get on the ball so that I am prepared for this half marathon. I already decided that the week after I run it, I'm absolutely going to go and get a pedicure. I need someone to take care of these feet! Blisters on toes and calluses are not my idea of pretty.

Disney Princesses, Hippos and Running

Today is Wednesday, but more importantly, it's my Friday! Don't be jealous though. I work this weekend through next Thursday. Friday the 17th, I took off work so that I could go to volunteer orientation for Reach Out And Read. I'm pretty excited about it. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love children as well as reading, so it's the best of both worlds for me! I hope to do this twice a month.

Tomorrow, I made a date with my aunt to go and watch some Disney pricess movies. I'm kind of hoping that we get to watch Lady and the Tramp too, since that's my all time favorite Disney movie :) I know that she's excited about it, and I'm happy to go and spend some long overdue time with her.

Yesterday, I came to work and found a hippopotamus standing on my desk. Made my day. I'm not sure why they are my favorite animal, but something about them just melts my heart. Maybe it's that they look so gentle yet they kill more people than crocodiles...

37 days and counting until the half marathon! Am I nervous? Oh yeah. Will I power through and finish like the champion we all know I am? Yes. One of the best parts is that my BFF will be here running it with me :)

Weekend Update

Labor Day weekend was jam-packed this year! Here's the rundown on how I spent my three day vacation from work:

Saturday:

-8 mile trail run-woke up late, w33hich meant that I got up at 6:30 am!
-Went to the zoo and spent the entire day walking around viewing every animal BUT the Polar Bear, which is the newest animal on exhibit. I had some good company, who as it turns out, is as much of a fan of Discovery channel and Animal Planet as I am...which also means that we both walked around throwing out random facts about most all of the animals there. Also saw some animal porn at the chimp house, and then a chimp battle. It was pretty epic!
-Went to SantaCaliGon Days with a few friends, walked around and had some funnel cake. Saturday was complete, and I was worn out.

Sunday:

-Took Maggie on a nature walk, and found a creek along the way. I was a good pet mom and let her off her leash so she could go swimming for a little bit. I think I made her week :)
-Went and saw Toy Story 3. Great movie! I'm not sure why it had to be in 3D, but I'm glad that it was still in theaters. Well worth it :)

Monday:
-woke up well before dawn to get ready for the Jerry Lewis Telethon. It turned out to be very successful, and my on-air check presentation turned out pretty well. The only complaint I have is that I played with my hair a little too much.
-slept from 11-4 pm on the sofa. Maggie was not a fan.
-went to the grocery store, then came home and put my pajamas back on!

This weekend has turned out to be quite lovely :) I really enjoyed spending most of the weekend out of the house. I'm effectively ready to start my two day work week!

Giving thanks

I had a dream last night about C. In the dream, I wound up breaking up with him over a girl that came into our bed while both of us were laying there with Maggie. I ended things immediately, and when he told me that he might want to get back with me later on, I laughed and told him that I would not get back with him unless he was able to be more emotionally available, able to give me the 200% he felt he should have already been giving and he had to quit drinking so much. He told me he understood, and that was the end of it. I did some dishes during the dream too. Not much explanation needed for the dream but I did look up the dishes part. Dreaming of washing dishes is supposed to symbolize that the person is moving on and preparing for the next part of their life. This couldn't be more true for me.

So where do the thanks come in? I have to first say that I'm in no way a bible-thumping kind of lady. I absolutely believe in God and that He is good, but I'm not the type who would ever push it on anyone. I'm not crazy church lady...With this said, I need to thank Him for giving me the strength to do what is right in the first place. I prayed and prayed to him over the past few months that he would actually give C the strength to do what is right, and I believe that God did just that. He gave C the strength to be honest and upfront with me, and I in turn had the strength to allow myself to walk away from a relationship that was just not right. I know that it has only been a month, but I feel so much more emotionally healthy than I did when E and I broke up. I am ok with the prospect of moving on, and I'm embracing my future-whatever it may be. So a big thank you to God for giving me the strength to know that I am going to be ok :) I do love that guy (or girl or whatever God is!)

Lions and Tigers and Bears!

Well, maybe not lions and bears, but Oh my..

For the past week, I've been having all kinds of crazy dreams. I have fought panthers (and won), saved a little girl from drowning and I've been pregnant. I've had to manuever my way through snowy, slushy streets and have had my teeth fall out. Despite all the obstacles in my dreams, I've been able to make full recoveries and overcome anything that came my way. I'm glad for that. I have been looking into each dream the morning after they happen; both Andrea and I agree that they are all about me working through my emotions.

There's so much going through my head right now. It's pretty positive. Here are some examples:

"I'm going to co-chair community involvement for my company!"
"He smells fantastic"
"I love Maggie; she's my heart"
"I wish Maggie would stay out of the trash"
"I should do my laundry"

I did say "pretty positive!" If my dog would stay out of the trash, things would be exponentially improved :)

Still no word on the Peace Corps. I hope I get something in the mail this week so I know where I stand-or at least know my next steps. Otherwise, I'm happy to announce that I will be the supervisor for the nesting classes again this year and I'm going to be traveling to some benefit fairs to represent my company in October and November. OH-six weeks until the half marathon also!!

"The List"

I've been thinking about the qualities or "must have" attributes of any future guy that I might date. I asked some of my friends what they thought first, and what I found was that they were all pretty much on the same page as me. So, here is my list of "must have" qualities:

Caring
Family-oriented
Quick witted
Easy going
Open minded
Stable
Fun (but not a partier)
Good looking (no Steve Buscemi's)
Physically fit and interested in staying that way
Willing and able to give equally in the relationship so that I'm not carrying 100% on my own.
Must love dogs, more specifically, MY dog.
Non smoker
No drugs
No felonies
Respectful and understanding
Responsible
No baggage!
Honest
Has never cheated on a partner.


That's it for now. I'm sure that this list will probably grow. I obviously don't want to make an unattainable man, but I think that these items are personal make it or break it attributes. I'm also going to discuss with my therapist the situation that I am in, and what her thoughts are on how I can continue to handle this in a constructive manner. I know that I initially said "no guys for a year," but I think that may be a stretch. It will all have to depend on how I'm feeling. I think that several months of working on myself would be sufficient, since I'm no good for anyone right now. I'm ok for myself and Maggie, but that's about it right now.

I have a five mile run tonight-wish me luck!

Ink

I think I may be the dorkiest person to have a tattoo. Not that it in itself is dumb, but I think I'm just a super nerd. Everytime someone asks "How's your ink?" it takes me a little bit to understand what they're talking about! Then it comes to me "OH...my shoulder!" It doesn't even seem cool to me to say "ink" when talking about my tattoo...it's a TATTOO. I know the ingredients that were put into my body, but I guess I like the technical term way better than the slang. See? Dork. Me. Yep.

That's all for today, I have nothing to report! I have a busy day at work and I'm babysitting tonight. This weekend will be busy, but I'll report on that after things actually happen! Much love to everyone :) Have a great day!

Ahhh...

I have had the evening as well as this morning to try and get a handle on some things, and to think a little deeper about my unhappiness in the past several days. My best friend had it right when she was telling me that I needed to take some space from C, and really work on being healthy for myself and moving on. There's no way that I can try to get past my current feelings if I'm spending time with him acting as if nothing has changed. As painful as it is to admit, she's correct. I knew that she was right the moment she typed it to me. I had initally told myself and C that I needed to take some space, but that only lasted a few days. I called him on lunch today and told him what I was feeling: how this was just too hard right now and I can't handle one on one meetings. I told him that I'm not mad or upset with him for anything, but I need space from him on a one on one basis. Group settings is fine but that's how it will have to be until I feel better about this whole situation. I'm thankful that he was understanding and told me that if that's what I need to do, then he understands.

I feel like a bit of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders already. My focus now just needs to be to continue to work on making myself happy and emotionally healthy: moving on with my life in a positive way. This includes the LEARN process that I posted yesterday. Andrea, I agree with you...the A process is going to be very difficult, but beneficial.

The LEARN process

It may seem sad that I had to google "how to handle a breakup", but that's what I did today. I happened upon the LEARN process which is as follows:

List
Experience
Appreciation
Reorganizing
No sex with your ex!

The list is where I will have to list all the things I did not like about my ex. None of this of course will be posted on here, but I will have my list. Experience is the understanding that this breakup, while extremely painful, is not the end of the world and I will find someone who will love me again...maybe even more so than last time. Appreciation is where I will make a list of 50 things that I love about myself. Reorganizing-making friends or spending time with friends who have nothing to do with him, this way I can have a break. Lastly, No sex with the ex! This is difficult, because it's unfortuately happened a few times even after I've said I won't allow it. I did make a stand the last attempt,and we did not do anything, and I just need to stick with that. Every time it has happened, after he left I felt emptier and more alone than I did before. I know, I KNOW it's not healthy do to. It makes things so much harder on me than it needs to be.

Maybe I'm just having a really tough day, or I'm really starting to get into "mourning" phase. I'll just stick with this process...starting with N and working towards L!

Feeling less than stellar

I think I need a mulligan on the day. The situations of the day will not have changed, however my approach may be positively altered! I had some very strange dreams involving family members (in their childhood state, as I remember them), my ex-boyfriend E, my friends Andrea and Andy (who did my beautiful tattoo). In the dream, Andrea and I ran some kind of 5k and we did very well-we finished in 15 minutes! Horray for us, right?!? I then proceeded to go to a pancake breakfast where I met up with my brothers and two cousins. They were all children however. I went to get my pancakes and my ex was volunteering there. I went to sit down next to my friend, Andy, and E got very jealous when he saw that I was not sitting next to him at the table. I went to move my seat between the two gentlemen, and E proceeded to tell me how completely inappropriate it was that I was going to sit next to Andy. I had to move his seat completely. Luckily, Andy understood. That's all I remember except for the fact that I had also spoken to someone about the prospect of me volunteering with them at a future date. See? I'm even good in my dreams!

I did not want to wake up today, but I pulled myself together and got ready for work. When I got here I had to do something very difficult with regards to one of my employees. It's never easy to do what I had to do, and it makes it worse that she had sent an e-mail to my manager on Monday talking about how I had never given up on her. I fear that her opinion is forever changed by the recent happening, and that makes me sad. I did everything that I could for her, and in the end it simply wasn't enough. If anyone knows of a magic pill I could take to restart the day and make it a better one I would love it!

Waiting game...

The application has been completed and sent in to Peace Corps. Now it's a waiting game to see if I get an interview.

Please send up good, positive thoughts for me.

Doing the wave...

I completed my application this weekend: resume, recommendations were sent to the best three choices I could think of to help me out(my manager, the coordinator with Red Cross, and my ex-boyfriend E's step mom), and I wrote my essay answers out. The only thing that is keeping me from getting my application to show "complete" is post-secondary education. I have none. I sent an e-mail the recruiting office in Chicago asking if they can give me some feedback for a way to submit, and I'll see what they have to say.

With all of this said, I am now feeling a wave of nervousness about the whole situation. It's not a negative feeling, more so of a feeling of the unknown. "Will I get an interview or will I be rejected?" "If I AM rejected, what will I need to do to qualify next time around?" The more I think about the Peace Corps, the more I feel like I need to experience it. I haven't had a drive like this about anything before really, minus the desire to have a family. If I don't qualify this time around, I guess the best that I can do is take their feedback about what steps I need to take to qualify next time around, and then make sure that I do everything they ask-even if it means more or different volunteer work and foreign language along with my schooling.

I know that I need to just wait and see, I'm just having a hard time relaxing! Patience isn't always my virtue.

3 weeks in

I have been single for three weeks today. I don't really think that's much of a thing to celebrate. This is mostly an update on where I am on my goals, and what I've accomplished.

I woke up Thursday morning and decided that I was going to get a tattoo. I had been thinking about it for quite awhile, and it just seemed like the time to do it. The point in getting the tattoo for me was to break out of my comfort zone and do something that I have been afraid to do for awhile. Another one of those "What would you do if you weren't scared" moments for me. I had C's mom print off two pictures of roses that I had liked; one for the rose itself, and the other for the color I wanted. I also chose to have the quote "be love" put underneath the rose. The rose itself is a symbol of love and passion. "be love" symbolizes me. I am a very loving and caring person. I found the phrase very fitting for me in general.

Since I got the tattoo on Thursday, I have already decided that I will get another equally large tattoo on my left shoulder blade. I like symmetry, and I have chosen to get a pink peony. A peony is a symbol of good fortune and good health. It's also my second favorite flower aside from the rose itself. Who knows...I may just get a whole damn garden, just so that I'll have something beautiful without having to have a "green thumb!"

Yesterday, I took my placement testing for Blue River. I am not good at math, but this is no shock to me. I already knew that! Class schedules don't come out until November, so I have to wait until then before I can move further with picking classes, but I know that I want a degree in communications. I'm only halfway through my Peace Corp application. I need to write my resume and gather my volunteer information and previous employer information before I can finish it up. I'm in no rush though. I have nothing but time!

That's about it for now. Still reading Jane Eyre-I brought it to work with me today, so that will be my lunchtime activity! Have a wonderful day :)

Make No Mistake

Before I get into my post today, I want to assure you that I am ok. I have been doing my best to stay positive about my current situation and not feel like a complete failure at the loss of my relationship. There is a large part of me that is full of confusion about why all of this has happened. Remembering the quote from my original post, I realize that something better may come along however I liked what I already had. I was happy overall, and looked forward to spending the rest of my life with C. I pictured children in our future, and the two of us growing old together. I watched myself bringing him delicious dinners at the firehouse when he becomes a firefighter, and endless evenings of being able to just lounge together. I had the vision of a house with a porch swing, and the two of us sitting together, reading books and enjoying ourselves. We had talked about these things, and I had thought that we wanted them with each other. Now I am back at ground zero, and that is a sucky place to be.

I know in my heart that he loves me. I can see it in his eyes, and I know he sees it in mine. I can feel his pain, just as he feels mine about the situation. I also know that he wasn't happy-he had too many doubts. I am doing my best to be positive, supportive to him as well as trying to take care of my own self. I'm trying to maintain a friendship with him, because I truly want him in my life. When we're spending time together, it feels like nothing's changed, and that confuses me. I am pretty proud of the fact that I'm not allowing things to go further than they should since we are not in a relationship anymore. I made sure to tell him that it's not right to have all of the benefits of a relationship, if we are not in one anymore. If we were going to do everything the same as we did when we were together, then we should just be together. Since that's not happening, nothing else will be happening either.

Make no mistake about it...as positive as my posts are, and as good of an outlook that I have, there is a very large part of me that is having a difficult time sorting through all of my feelings and emotions. Like I said before-I am ok, I'm just not great. Not yet that is.

Eureka Springs

I just returned last night from a fantastic weekend in Eureka Springs. I think a girls weekend getaway was exactly what I needed. It was so nice to spend one on one time with Andrea and to get to explore the downtown area of Eureka Springs. Maggie also enjoyed herself as she got to go swimming in Lake Leatherwood, she chased a possum and she got to have some breakfast in the downtown area. The dog was lucky enough to get chicken from the owner of the cafe! Talk about one lucky pup!

Andrea and I spent Friday-Sunday morning looking in just about every shop the town had to offer, gorged ourselves on delicious food. If you get the chance, you have to go to Local Flavor as well as Peace, Love and Cheesecake. Those were my favorites out of all the food we ate. She and I also went to Turpentine Creek, where they have the big cat reserve. It was very educational (and HOT). We got to see the keepers feed the Tigers, and we also watched two brothers playing and jumping in and out of their water tank. They were so animated! Andrea and I also decided on a whim to take old time photos which I think turned out fabulous! We make some good saloon girls :)

Last night after a nice 2.5 hour nap, I met back up with Andrea and we did our long run. It was supposed to be 7 miles, however it wound up right at 6.5. It was a 12 minute mile on average, which is about 2 miles per hour more than it used to take me, but I'm just happy to have completed the whole time. The best part of the run, aside from having Andi as my running partner was feeling good at the end of the run. I was completely capable of doing a little more if I needed to, and that's a far cry from where I used to be! Now I just need to get more used to doing hills...

Gratitude

This has a little to do with my situation, but more of my post today just has to do with a few people that I'm grateful for.

First, I would like to mention a woman I work with who I am so happy to be able to call my friend. She had the courage to get to know me when it seemed like everyone around her was telling her negative things. Most of the negativity had to do with their own insecurities I suppose, but this lady eventually saw through it, and I can honestly say that I cherish the friendship that we have. Thanks Julie for taking the time to get to know me, and letting me in to your life as well. I am blessed to have you. Thanks for letting me share that Chiefs blanket today in the meeting too :) Much appreciated!

Second is someone that I am proud to call one of my very best friends. I fell in love with her sense of humor and overall character during a trip to Westport with my brother, his girlfriend at the time, and another friend of his, Summer. I've known her for more than 12 years, and she did for me what none of my brother's friends had. She sat in the front row of the funeral home with me when my brother passed away, and did not leave my side. I will always love her for that. She's wonderful in many ways; warm, funny, fiercely loyal to her friends. She would do anything for the people she loves, and I feel the same for her. I promise, Randa, that I WILL make it to London to see you. I love you dearly. Thank you for always being on my side-even when I wasn't the best I could be.

Lastly, and this is certainly not least, I would like to give my gratitude to another of my best friends. I have two, and I can't claim one more than the other. I have two completely different relationships with them and I love them the same. This best friend understands me like no one else understands me. She and I have similar family situations, we both share a love of sick and perverted comedy (writing) and we're constantly copying each other's style-even from 3 states away! This person certainly didn't have to stay friends with me, and I would have understood. I love her because she did her very best to protect me, as has always been her fashion. She's my heterosexual life partner and best friend for 12 years. She is another person who took me in after my brother passed. She was originally the girl I knew from gym class. We would rally together to combat the popular girls who were not always very kind. When Thom passed, she and Randa made sure that I was getting out and doing things. I couldn't imagine my life without her in it and I feel like I should tell her more how much her friendship means to me. I love you Andrea. I'm so grateful that you are in my life, and have been so supportive of me. I know you care, and you make it known.

Each of the three ladies mentioned are supportive, caring and I can honestly say I would do anything for. Each of them make my day brighter just by being in my life. Thanks friends :)

peace...

I have to thank my friend Chuck for reminding me about the Peace Corps. He mentioned to me on Friday night that he was looking into joining it. I have thought about doing this before, but I always had something going on-some excuse. I was either in a relationship or just had other reasons. Now I'm thinking about it. I love to be able to volunteer and help people better their lives, and that's what the Peace Corps is about. The big thing about it is that it's a 27 month commitment, I would leave the country and I would also have to give up my love...Maggie.

It's a lot to think about, and I'm not quite sure if I even qualify but I'm going to look into it more. I am not saying that I will be joining tomorrow, however if I qualify, I would love to be able to say that in a year or so I might join.

I told my younger brother last night to "be brave". He is going through a very rough time in his life as well. He is dealing with the pain of going through a failed relationship just like I am. I was telling him to take the time off and to "be brave." After I posted my comment on his blog, I thought to myself, "What would you do if you weren't scared?" It's not the exact same thing that I told my brother, but it sparked a thought within myself. If I weren't scared, I would probably submit stories to try and publish. I love to write, just like I love to read. I would think more about what I can do to be the best possible "me" there is. Am I doing that now? No. I'm me, but not the me I want to be. I've really not done anything with my life yet. I need to go to school, and really that should be my first priority! Get my communications degree! Ack...I've been scared to put myself out there my whole life, and now I am out of excuses as to why I "can't".

Anyhow, thanks again Chuck, for making me remember that I have more options!

things to look forward to

I'm not going to lie-this weekend was a little rough on me emotionally. I'm trying to move forward and keep a positive outlook while also trying to forge a friendship with C. I knew that it would not be easy to do, so I've been giving myself some space to try and figure out my feelings. My main goal is to not make the same mistakes that I made with my first long term relationship. He and I had broken up, but instead of trying to move forward as individuals, I clung to him (for dear life sometimes) and we acted as if we were still together. The entire relationship was unhealthy enough, but having such complications after breaking up was devastating to me. It's taken a long time for me to start to be okay with how we turned out, and I just won't allow myself to repeat that kind of pain. Anyway, this weekend was difficult because C and I did hang out, and while it was nice it was also painful at the end when we went our separate ways, because it was the reminder that we are not together, and I would be waking up alone the next day. I just need to keep remembering an e-mail that a friend of mine sent me. It says this:

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better." It went on to give this quote "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

On a lighter note, I got my library card and started reading Jane Eyre at the pool on Saturday. I'm liking it so far, and I can't wait to dive into it further. I will also be receiving Eat Pray Love in the mail this week, so that's next on my reading agenda. My best friend and I are going on a girl's trip this weekend with my dog, Maggie. I did have to re-schedule my volunteer orientation to next week with a local animal shelter, and I'm excited to get started. I am ALSO looking into flights to Baltimore, MD to visit a girlfriend of mine, Journey. Keep sending me positive thoughts; I appreciate the support!

The beginning

So here I am...suddently single after a three year relationship with a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I am now faced with doing what I probably should have been doing for the past three years, which is finding out what makes me happy. I know who I am, but what do I want? What is going to make ME happy. I've spent so much of my life giving more to other people than I have given to myself. My best friend sent me an e-mail today about a random thought she had about me. Her thought was this:

"Why not give yourself the devotion, care, and love? What I mean is, why not spend the time, energy, and thought to the relationship of yourself? You deserve as much or more of the love you have given everyone in your life and I feel that you are depriving the one person who matters most--you."

I've been thinking about this for a few days now, and I think that this is the perfect opportunity for me to really do some self-discovery. No dating (not that I'm anywhere near ready for anything like that), no physical intimacy, just me...living my life for myself and no one else, and doing some soul searching to figure out what I truly want along the way!

I've already set up two different volunteer opportunities that I think will be fun and worthwhile. I'll tell you about them after I try them out. Until then, wish me luck!